


I Like You More Than I Hate Capitalism

by urgaylol



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Bad references, College AU, Fluff, M/M, Salt, Sarcasm, Smut, Snark, Terrible Jokes, Trans dirk, a few jabs at the 2016 republican presidential candidates, bad refernces, complaining about complaining about the government, complaining about the government, debatchury, dirk's only in it for like ten seconds, don't read this one it's by far my least favorite, esoteric references, extreme snark, humans and trolls living together in semi-harmony, just a bad sense of humor in general, no seriously i hate this more than led zeplin hates stairway stop reading it, there's sex at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-12 03:40:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7084228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urgaylol/pseuds/urgaylol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider and you have just read something that made you reevaluate someone that you previously labeled as more annoying than unskippable Bounty ads on YouTube. </p><p>You feel mildly judgmental.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The One Where It Starts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this, you should go read my other Dave Kat thing. It's better. I would say this one is more linguistically articulate, but I got dumped halfway through writing it, so it isn't as inspired.

 

            Your name is Dave Strider and you are mildly perplexed.

            You’ve found things perplexing before, and you seriously doubt that this is the last time you will ever be perplexed. It’s not like this is a new experience for you. In fact, the amount of perplexsion you are currently experiencing is not anywhere near the top of your personal ranked list of circumstances that caused you the most perplexsion. Perplexsion is not actually a word. You kind of wish it was.

            You are mildly perplexed because you just read something that made you reconsider the “overemotional, pointlessly irritating, and motherfucking inane” label you put on someone. Granted, most of your previous encounters with this person would have caused any sane being to find them overemotional, pointlessly irritating, and drunk YouTube commenter defending Shadow the Hedgehog levels of inanity.

            When Karkat had traded papers with you in English class, you were expecting two pages of poorly written, ranty crap that was at the same intellectual level as before mentioned Shadow defense. You were not expecting to be perplexed. Then again, you couldn’t really expect perplexsion. There’s that word again, perplexsion. It really should be a word. You add it to your list of ‘words that are not words that should be words’.

            The assignment was to write a deconstruction and personal view of a classic short story. He had given you two well written, linguistically articulate, and only minimally pretentious pages that provided you with just enough perplexsion to actually utter the word ‘huh’ aloud.

            “Huh.” you utter aloud.

            You reread the passage that had made you utter this obscenity (aloud).  

_While Ms. Joyce Carol Oat’s_ Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been _does a decent job of portraying the fear of watching a man slowly revealing his true colors over a short time, the protagonist herself is boring and not particularly relatable.  She is seemingly a product of pointless human sexism and stereotypes. To be fair, it’s very possible that she was purposely meant to be portrayed as a mono-dimensional, air-headed, and mentally weak teenage girl. Although, even if it was intentional to have her resonate this way, I have to ask why. The shallow, female teenager is something vastly overdone in the human side of pop-culture and anyone with any sort of self-worth is bored with it at this point. To rephrase in a way that is slightly less pretentious, I’m just not sure as to what point this was trying to make. Perhaps I’m missing something._

_However, as before mentioned, I did enjoy the-_

            You stop reading as a second ‘huh’ escapes your mouth.

            It’s not a big deal. It’s not like your entire world was turned upside-down just because you potentially mislabeled someone and now you feel mildly judgmental.

            You’re reading his paper for a juxtaposition assignment in your English class. You’re supposed to write a few paragraphs comparing and contrasting Karkat’s deconstruction with your own. This will be difficult, considering what you wrote is not exactly well written or linguistically articulate. It was, however, far from pretentious.

            You’re sitting in your dorm room. John isn’t home, so you’re by yourself. Usually when John is gone you’re hanging out with Terezi or Sollux in their respective rooms, but you have on numerous occasions found just how hard it is to do homework without seclusion. And you needed to do homework. You were paying way too much for your college education, so you were going to get out with at least a 3.0 GPA if it killed you. And this English class has come pretty darn close.

            So, you were a little “experimentive” when you wrote your paper. Experimentive is not a word either and that is bullshit. You add that to the list.

            Karkat is currently messaging you, because he apparently doesn’t want to walk down the entire three flights of stairs it takes to get to your room. You’re not even sure how he got your phone number. You answer anyway.

CG: OK.

CG: SO.

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.

CG: I MEAN, I COULD RANT FOR A FEW MINUTES ABOUT HOW THIS IS POSSIBLY ‘THE WORST THING I’VE EVER READ’ AND ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU’ AND ‘WHAT FUCKING GOOD DO YOU HONESTLY THINK YOU’RE DOING BY BEING THE EQUIVALENT OF A HUMAN-SHITPOST’.

CG: BUT I’M JUST,

CG: AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

TG: im flattered

CG: WHY DID YOU MAKE ME READ THIS?

TG: hey dont blame me i didnt know i was gonna have to work with you

CG: I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SUBJECT ANYONE TO A FUCKING REVIEW PAPER THAT COMPARES A STORY ABOUT KIDNAPPING TO THE HOMOSEXUAL REPRESSION OF JOSEPH STALIN.

TG: here i was thinking that you might appreciate my abstract writing style

CG: YOU REFERENCED SONIC THE HEDGEHOG SEVEN TIMES!

TG: abstract

CG: I DON’T DESERVE THIS.

TG: oh im sure youre upset what about me

TG: ive been treated with cruelty

CG: STRIDER, WE ARE TAKING AN ACTUAL COLLEGE CLASS. I’M NOT GOING TO FUCKING TREAT YOUR IMMATURE SONIC X STALIN FANFICTION LIKE A WORK OF ART SO THAT YOU CAN FUCKING LAUGH AT YOUR OWN SUPERIOR SENSE OF HUMOR. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE GPA YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE AND AFFORD HEALTHCARE. THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND YOU CAN’T BURN THE REST OF US FOR IT.

TG: first of all my gpa is surprisingly fine

TG: second of all copernicus would have found that sentence ironic for more reasons than one

TG: last of all you are no fun seriously go punch a cow or something youre gonna have a heart attack

TG: but yeah honestly you got me in a nutshell here

CG: THAT WAS NOT THE SHITSTORM OF DEBAUCHERY I WAS EXPECTING.

TG: what you thought i was actually gonna defend that piece of crap

TG: i wrote that at two am while watching that video of a twelve year old rant against the sonic fanbase

TG: if you want to read some of my good writing check this out

CG: NO.

TG: joseph stalin x communism.pdf

CG: PLEASE STOP.

CG: I’M NOT READING THAT.

TG: you dont have to

CG: GOOD BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO.

TG: glad we worked through this together

TG: anyway what do you want to do for our compare and contrast crap

TG: wait the syllabus says were supposed to do two separate ones we dont even have to work together

TG: why did you message me then

TG: karkat

CG: YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU SENT ME A LINK TO A PAPER CALLED “JOSEPH STALIN X COMMUNISM” I WAS NOT ACTUALLY EXPECTING IT TO BE A HISTORICALLY ACCURATE TALE OF THE FALL OF COMMUNISM AS PORTRAYED BY A ROMANCE BETWEEN JOSEPH STALIN AND THE PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF COMMUNISM.

TG: you actually read it

TG: you said you wernt going to

TG: im deeply moved

CG: GOOD FOR YOU I’M NOT.

TG: ouch

CG: FUCK, I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO FALL TOO DEEP INTO THIS COCKSTORM OF A CONVERSATION WITH YOU.

CG: I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE MAIN REASON WHY I BOTHERED TO MESSAGE YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

TG: whats up

CG: HOW AM I FUCKING SUPPOSED TO WRITE AN ENTIRE PAGE COMPARING AND CONTRASTING OUR TWO PAPERS?

TG: normally id make some sort of witty and charming remark

TG: but since your grade is on the line as well i will do you the honors of rewriting my work to give you something boring and cliché

CG: OH WOW, WE GOT AN EDGE LORD OVER HERE. HE’S TOO GOOD FOR NORMALITY. HE PROBABLY KNOWS THE WORDS TO ONE ENTIRE PINK FLOYD SONG.

TG: no way edge lord would have been if i compared it to like

TG: the true frailness of the modern human mind or some shit

TG: cell phones are making us dumber

TG: #wakeupsheeple

TG: anyway do you want me to rewrite it or not

CG: ACTUALLY NO, I JUST REALIZED THAT THE SHEER AMOUNT OF STUPIDITY MIGHT MAKE MY JOB EASIER.

CG: OUR PAPER'S SIMILARITIES: BOTH HAVE SOME WORDS.

CG: DIFFERENCES: MINE IS GOOD.

CG: THERE WE GO. ASSIGNMENT FINISHED.

TG: theres a five hundred word minimum

CG: I’LL FILL UP THE OTHER FOUR-HUNDRED AND EIGHTY WITH THE WORDS *FUCK ME* OVER AND OVER.

CG: NICE AND PREDICTABLE.

TG: huh

CG: WHAT?

TG: nothing

CG: I’M GOING TO GO.

CG: LET’S NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

* * *

 

            You’ve been staring at your blank Word document for about twenty straight minutes when John gets home. You remind yourself to go on a run with your dog before you fall asleep. It’s been difficult lately, because of the bullshit hot flash.

            “I gave your phone number to Karkat, sorry about that.” he says, obviously not sorry at all.

            “I noticed. I would probably be mildly ticked off about it if I hadn’t just used your microscope to look at a combination of my blood, sweat, and tears.”

             “I’m just glad that it wasn’t your urine, Dave.”

            You scoff. “Why does everyone today think that I’m immature?”

            John flops over onto the couch that you had custom made _Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff_ cushions for and points to your large collection of ceramic dildo party-favors.

            “Point taken.” you say. “But still, it’s coming for a guy who refused to change his John Cena bed sheets for an entire year.” You shudder at the memory and continue staring at your blank Word document.

            “What’s that?” asks John.

            “It’s bullshit. I don’t get why I have to take a goddamn English class-“

            “When you don’t even live in England?” John says, grinning like an idiot.

            You groan internally. “I’m supposed to compare someone else’s ideas with something I wrote.”

            “Let me guess. You wrote some garbage, and the person you got paired with actually tried and now you don’t know what to do and want me to help you?” He repositions himself on the couch so he can see your laptop screen.

            “Thanks for reading between the lines.”

            You show John what you wrote for the original assignment. You keep a stone face while he almost bruises a few ribs from laughing at you.

            You show him what Karkat wrote. He recognizes it as Karkat’s writing immediately.

            “How did you know?”

            He shrugs. “I mean, I’ve known him for eight years. He’s a good writer. Actually, you’ve known him for almost two years. I’m surprised he never forced any of his writing upon you.”

            “Bro, we talked once. It was fucking awkward. I think we both just made a silent agreement to never interact and be passive-aggressively annoyed with each other in the side lines. And then maybe one day we get set up on a blind date and we both look at the camera and laugh and credits roll while _Total Eclipse of the Heart_ plays.”

            John laughs. “You guys would probably end up best of buds if you spent more time together.”

            “Just because I read some of his stupid writing and am currently wondering if I had a vastly warped idea of him does not mean I want to be dudebros with Captain Screamsalot. Now how the fuck do I compare and contrast these?”

            John laughs, again. John laughs at everything. It’s sadly a booster to your self-esteem.

            “Just wing it, Dave, I’m sure you’ll get at least a ‘D’.” He leaves to go probably post mind-numbingly terrible things on Facebook.

            You glance back at your empty document. You have an idea.

* * *

 

You’re on your ten minute break before physics class, bickering with your older brother and Terezi about something that really isn’t worth bickering about.

            “No way.” says Dirk. “The supermegafuckedurmomdeath punch was totally a roundhouse.”

            “Dude, it was totally a fucking hook.” you say, defending your honor in front of Terezi.

            “No, this is a hook punch.” Dirk demonstrates his completely warped and juvenile idea of what an anime left hook punch looks like. Terezi cackles.

            “No it’s not. See, Terezi agrees with me.”

            Terezi grins. “Yea, Dave, I’m totally laughing at specifically your brother’s flailing and not this entire situation.”

            You ignore her. “This is a hook punch.” You bring your arm back and immediately hear a loud smacking sound. Two tenths of a second later and you realize you’ve hit someone straight in the face. You whirl around to see and very confused Karkat.

            You watch as his face goes from confused to ticked-off.

            “Mistakes were made.” you say.

            Karkat looks at you like you’re a mentally ill house-cat. Terezi giggles in the background.

            “But sorry. Are you ok?”

            “Yes, I’m fine, you fucking ass.” he sighs “Mildly perturbed that I have been injured on the account of you being a massive-”

            A drop of blood rolls from his nose. You watch as his eyes widen. He turns on his heel and abruptly scurries away from you.

            “What was that about?” you ask. You were expecting a freak-out or at least some mild passive-aggression.

            Terezi gives the space next to your face a look. Dirk looks confused. Oh.

            “Oh.” you say. You had forgotten about that semi-archaic hemospectrum poorly-executed social-Darwinism bullshit. You kind of feel like Karkat deserves a better apology than the terrible one you gave him. Biding ado to your friends, you wander off in the direction that you think you saw Karkat go.

            After weaving your way through a crowd, you finally find him sitting in the corner of an empty smoking area. A few more drops of blood have rolled down to his chin. He looks annoyed to see you.

            “Dave, why?”

            “Dude, it’s called being helpful.” You sit down next to him and reach into your bag to grab your emergency paper towels of justice.

            “What are you doing?” he asks.

            “Getting something to soak up the blood.”

            “Couldn’t you just use your massive ego? Why do you have a roll of toilet paper in your bag?”

            You consider lying but then he’ll probably figure that you’re constantly shitting and that’s not really something that you need people thinking.

             “Terezi and I sometimes like to tee-pee CEOs that fuck over our friends.” You rip him off a few inches. He sighs and places it over the blood, tilting his head back.

            “You’re a fucking piece of shit. Why are you helping me?”

            “Hey, I can be remorseful.”

            “Really? You?” He narrows his eyes.

            “Yea. I’ve been feeling emotions again, just like I did in my early teens. Something must be wrong.”

            You watch as the corner of his mouth upturns ever so slightly. You realize that as you had spent the last two years thinking of Karkat as overemotional, pointlessly annoying, and dong-inhalingly inane, he had probably thought of you as a huge asshole. You add ‘inhalingly’ to your list of new words. 

            “Don’t think that I owe you any favors for this, fuckface.”

            “Of course not, dude. Cleaning up a problem I made doesn’t make you in my debt. You would only be in my debt if I did something like give you a free copy of my mixtape.”

            “Please don’t give me a mixtape.” he says. He actually laughs a bit at that, but quickly disguises it as a cough. You’re glad that you’re making him feel better. As stone cold as your soul may be, you don’t have a passion for striking people in the face while trying to look cool in front of your best friend and then abandoning them to go bleed everywhere in seclusion.

            You watch as he drops away the few remaining drops of blood.

            He declines when you offer to walk him to class, saying “I don’t need you to be my fucking knight, shithead. I’ll see you in English.’

            You make your way to physics, thankfully only a few minutes late.

* * *

            You’re at home, after dinner, eloquently dicking around at your computer. English class had been nice enough. You turned in your analysis of Karkat’s paper, and he turned in your analysis of yours. It was all over. You never needed to talk about it again.

            Terezi has been messaging you. You answer.

GC: D4V3

GC: 1VE 4LW4YS KNOWN YOUR MOT3R SK1LLS WERE NOTH1NG SHORT OF TOP NOTCH BUT 1 D4R3 S4Y YOUV3 OUTDON3 YOURS3LF

TG: thanks for noticing

TG: thought we might all just sit back and forget that moment

TG: ive moved on

TG: you should too

TG: ive let my life change for the better and now ive found my own little slice of peace pie

TG: come with me i miss you

TG: get yourself your own goddamn slice of cherry pie

GC: TH4T 1S SOME D4MN F1NE CH3RRY P13

GC: OUTD4T3D R3F3R3NC3S 4S1DE 1 R34LLY W4NT SOME CH3RRY P13

TG: no im sure youd make a great dale cooper

TG: but with more wit and less compassion and charm

GC: FL4TT3RY W1LL G3T YOU NOWH3R3

GC: 4LSO STOP D1STR4CT1NG M3

GC: 1M TRY1NG TO L4UGH 4T YOU FOR SM4CK1NG MY FR13ND 1N TH3 F4C3 FOR 4N1M3

TG: fine

TG: lets just mock dave for a few hours

TG: cause no one can make a single mistake without getting ripped up in our motherfucking crapitalist society

TG: that shit is straight up bull ass

GC: WH3N 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO L3T M3 R34D YOUR OR1GON4L P4P3R

TG: [dave tried to write and this is what fucking happened (clickable)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20uZDkSvxLU)

GC: YOU COME 1NTO MY HOUS3

GC: 1 DONT D3S3RV3 TH1S 1 4M MOSTLY A GOOD P3RSON

TG: dave tried to write and this is what fucking happened.pdf

GC: 1 TH1NK TH3 1NT3R- SP3C13S R34T1ONSH1P BETW33N ST4L1N 4ND SON1C W4S A BOLD 4ND BR4V3 CHO1C3

GC: 3SP3C14LLY WH3N TH3R3 4R3 SO M4NY P3OPL3 WHO TH1NK HUM4N ON TROLL IS SO FUCK1NG 3DG3Y

TG: eh anti-inter-species relationship people are dong-inhalingly old fashioned at this point

GC: TRU3

GC: WH4T D1D K4RK4T WR1T3

TG: cant you just ask him

GC: H3 N3V3R L3TS M3 R34D H1S WR1T1NG

GC: H3 L3TS SOLLUX, K4N4Y4, 4ND 3RID4N R34D 1T THOUGH

GC: APPARENTLY 1M TOO LOUD

TG: dont worry youre not missing much

TG: just great depth and an impressive vocabulary

TG: some well executed humor

GC: >:o

GC: TH4T W4S 31TH3R 4 COMPL3M3NT OR W3 N33D TO G3T DOCTOR FR3UD 1N H3R3 ST4T

TG: oh i cant muster praise without sigmund freuds ghost giving me some hollow accusations

TG: fucking bull this capitalism is i tell you

GC: D4V3 YOU C4NT BL4M3 3V3RTH1NG ON C4P1T4L1SM

TG: fucking watch me

GC: YOUR P4SS1ON 1S W4ST3D D4V3

GC: C4N 1 R34D YOUR STUP1D ‘COMP41R1NG 4ND CONTR4ST1NG MY COMMUN1ST PORN W1TH K4RK4TS 4CTUAL D3C3NT WR1T1NG’ P4P3R

TG: [strider and vantas showdown (clickable)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9jz9NmbSPU)

GC: YOU H4V3 A PROBL3M

TG: stop clicking on things that dont have pdf in the name and ill stop

TG: you bring this on yourself

TG: strider and vantas showdown.pdf

            You’re about to peace out for the night when you get another message. You lie back in your bed, holding your phone in the perfect position for you to drop later and hit yourself square in the face.

CG: STRIDER.

CG: OR, DAVE. I GUESS.

CG: NO ACTUALLY NOT YET. STILL STRIDER.

TG: whats up screechy

CG: TEREZI SENT ME WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT MY WRITING.

CG: DON’T GET ME WRONG, YOU’RE A FUCKING WEEABOO ILLITERATE BULGE-LICKER WHO CAN’T WRITE WORTH A DAMN , ECT.

CG: BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT, I WASN’T EXPECTING YOU TO WRITE “WHILE I TOOK THIS ASSIGNMENT ABOUT AS SERIOUS AS MAXIMILIAN ROBESPIERRE WENT NUTSO, KARKAT VANTAS MANGED TO CREATE AN INSIGHT DEEPER AND MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN THE ACTUAL STORY HE WAS REVIEWING”.

TG: how the fuck did Terezi read two pages then send it to you and have you read it in three minutes

CG: I’M NOT SURE. THIS IS WHY I NEVER LET TEREZI READ MY WRITING.

TG: anyway why are telling me about it

CG: I DON’T KNOW ASSHOLE, I GUESS I’M JUST,

CG: FLATTERED?

TG: dont be

TG: i was just being honest

CG: OH, DON’T DO THAT.

TG: do what

CG: THE HUMBLE BRAGGING.

CG: LOOK AT ME I’M SHADES BOY SWEAGOR AND I DON’T NEED CONSTANT VALIDATION I’M A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE.

TG: and here i thought i was an edge lord

TG: george bush caused nine eleven

TG: the moon landing was fake

TG: hillary clinton ate my family

TG: i saw fight club one time

TG: am i doing it right

CG: YOU SOUND LIKE SEVEN SWEEP-OLD ERIDAN, SO SURE.

TG: i can dig it

TG: just gotta start wearing a sweet overabundance of eyeliner

TG: listen to that twenty pile drivers band

CG: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GO THROUGHOUT LIFE WITHOUT THE BASIC SITUATIONAL AWARENESS TO NAME 21 PILOTS? HAVEN'T YOU BEEN  A MUSICIAN FOR TWELVE YEARS?

TG: bromeo usually when you stalk someone for over a decade you dont let it slip

CG: HEY ASSHAT, YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH JOHN, TEREZI, AND SOLLUX.

CG: MY FRIEND AND FORMER MATESPRITE, MY ROOMMATE, AND,

CG: UH,

CG: WHATEVER JOHN IS.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IDIOTIC IMPULSES ARE DRIVING ME INTO ANOTHER CONVERSATION WITH YOU.

CG: I AM GOING TO DO THE SMART, SELF RESPECTING THING AND LEAVE. THAT YOU FOR WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT MY WRITING. DON’T THINK I OWE YOU ANY FAVORS.

TG: dont worry about it

TG: i know you told me not to say it but i really was just being honest

TG: your writing is good

TG: i mean not like back cover synopsis of a discount adam sandler film collection good

TG: but good

CG: THANKS DAVE!

CG: I HOPE THAT YOU CAN FEEL THE CYANIDE DRIPPING OF MY VOICE FROM MY “THANKS DAVE!” AND I HOPE IT BURNS.

TG: chill

CG: DON’T FUCKING TELL ME TO CHILL!

TG: actually yea youre right its your decision

CG: I CAN’T TELL IF THAT WAS SARCASM.

TG: well youre not really hurting anyone or being that annoying so why should i tell you what to do

CG: I’M VERY PLEASED TO HEAR THAT SHADES BOYTM SWEAGER THINKS I’M NOT *THAT* ANNOYING.

TG: see look at me im a nice person

TG: a selfless bastard

TG: the true sinnamon roll

CG: DO YOU ALWAYS RAMBLE ON LIKE THIS?

TG: no

TG: yes

CG: WELL, I SAID I WAS GOING TO GO. SO, I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. WELL TOMORROW IS SATURDAY. MAYBE WE WILL AWKWARDLY RUN INTO EACH OTHER PER USUAL WHEN YOU COME OVER TO OVER-AGGRESSIVELY PLAY STAR FOX WITH SOLLUX.

TG: wait

TG: what do you mean ‘per usual’

CG: YOU’VE BEEN COMING OVER TO MY DORM ROOM ALMOST EVERY WEEKEND FOR TWO YEARS, FUCKWIT.

TG: oh yea you live with sollux i forgot

CG: WOW. NOT ONLY DID I MENTION THIS EARLIER IN THIS CURRENT FUCKING CONVERSATION, BUT APPARENTLY MY PRESENCE MAKES SO LITTLE OF AN IMPRESSION ON YOU THAT YOU HAVE BARELY BEEN ABLE TO PROCESS MY EXISTENCE.

TG: ok now i feel mildly guilty

TG: im kind of out of it i accidently stumbled on a fanfiction of alexander hamilton sucking jeffersons dick

CG: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU SEARCHING FOR?

TG: definitely not hamilton rule thirty four

CG: STRIDER IT’S ELEVEN THIRTY PM.

TG: i was curious

TG: i now regret that curiosity

TG: happens to the best of us

CG: I’M GOING TO GO THE FUCK TO BED.

CG: GOODNIGHT.

CG: STRIDER?

TG: what

CG: ARE YOU STILL READING THAT THING?

TG: maybe

CG: ON ONE HAND, I FEEL THE SHEER IDIOCY OF YOUR ANSWER MIGHT SOMEHOW MAKE ME DUMBER BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I NEED TO KNOW WHY.

TG: we evolved from single cell organisms

TG: humans and trolls arose out of almost nothing thats fucking sick

TG: civilizations rose and fall

TG: technology advanced

TG: morals developed

TG: all for someone to sit down and write this

CG: YES, I GET IT, WRITING UNIRONIC FANFICTION IS A SIN.

CG: STOP READING PORN ABOUT YOUR FOUNDING FATHERS.

TG: hey you live in the land of the free now buddy

TG: theyre your founding fathers too

CG: AS MUCH AS I ALWAYS RESPECTED LAURENS, I HAVE A SINKING SUSPICION THAT FRANKLIN WOULD HAVE STUCK HIS DICK IN A PUDDING CUP IF HE HAD BEEN ALIVE TODAY.

TG: did trolls have founding fathers

CG: WE HAD A MONARCHY, DAVE.

TG: ill take that as a no

CG: WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO EDUCATE YOU ABOUT THIS GARBAGE?

TG: on one hand i think that since you guys have been here since the sixties your old alturnian history should should be taught as much as human history

TG: but on the other hand i cant see me going to another history class

CG: JUST THRILLED TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU SUPPORT MY PEOPLE.

CG: NOW WILL YOU LET ME GO TO BED?

TG: dude youve been free to go

TG: the only thing keeping you from going to bed is you clanking loudly at a keyboard and muttering to yourself

TG: a state that only you can prevent

CG: FINE, ASSHOLE! GOOD-FUCKING-NIGHT. GO SHOVE A DREAM CATCHER UP YOUR EXCREMENT-SHUTE OR WHATEVER HUMANS DO AS A NIGHTLY RITUAL.

TG: k bye

TG: i too can pretend not to know anything about the night time habits of a species that ive lived with for only my entire life

TG: well i guess there werent a lot of trolls in texas

TG: and i lived there for thirteen years

TG: over half my life

TG: point being go have fun in your pile of garbage

TG: wait you do sleep in a pile of garbage

CG: IT’S KIND OF FUCKING HARD TO SLEEP WITH YOU CONSTANTLY PESTERING ME.

CG: AND JUST BECAUSE I LIVE WITH HUMANS DOESN’T MEAN I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEIR SLEEPING HABITS.

TG: ive seen the floor of terezi room

TG: well if im being honest most of the time ive observed trolls sleeping habits they were in beds or couches and not actually piles of garbage

CG: THANKS FOR THE “SUBTLE” HINT ABOUT YOUR WILD INTER-SPECIES SEX LIFE.

TG: its on the house

CG: LET ME GUESS. YOU HAD A FEW ONE NIGHT STANDS WITH TROLLS AND FUCKED SOLLUX FOR SCIENCE.

TG: actually yes and whos to say that isnt fucking tubular

TG: how did you know about the sollux part

CG: WE’VE ALL FUCKED SOLLUX FOR SCIENCE.

TG: fair

CG: CAN I GO TO BED NOW?

TG: knock yourself out

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm guessing that a lot of people who've read this one have also read "Who Needs Shades When I Have You Baby", which actually has Dave's Joseph Stalin paper in it. Also, so, so sorry if you clicked on the links and had to be subjected to terrible YouTube videos.
> 
>  
> 
> UPDATE: Now with 50% less of my opinions. Why? It's been a year and I've changed. And cringed a lot at my past self. A LOT. Like seriously, sorry.


	2. The One With Child-Like Wonder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this fanfiction riddled with typos?
> 
> The answer is yes. The red squiggly lines can only catch so much. I'll try to get it fixed ~~probably never~~ as soon as I can.

            You and Karkat do awkwardly run into each other over the weekend. And on Monday, in class and outside of class. You had a few more late night conversations with him that started stupid and ended stupider.

            You didn’t mind. If you were being honest with yourself, you were starting to find his fiery demeanor to be less annoying and more endearing.

            Now it’s Tuesday night. You’ve received a message from your older brother.

TT: Bro.

TG: whats up

TT: You know how I run seminar discussions on the logistics of string theory and tenth, eleventh, or twenty-six dimensional theoretical science?

TG: i knew you ran seminars

TG: why are you being so specific

TT: Because Rose showed up and started doing that thing where she’s like

TT: “I know less than you on this topic but I feel that your vocabulary is limited and you should adopt more respective language.”

TT: Anyway turns out she just needed to pick her up from work tomorrow and went there because calling me is just too convenient.

TG: why are you telling me

TT: We don’t really talk. Can you just tell me what she likes so it isn’t awkward?

TT: I’m not sure how down I am to clown with sibling awkwardness. Already had enough Thanksgivings at home.

TG: dude you guys are both twenty five

TG: shes pregnant

TG: talk about baby names

TT: I already have an idea.

TG: so do i

TT: Let’s type our ideas at the same time.

>TT: One…

TT: Two…

TT: Go.

TG: swagathor

TT: Swagathor.

TG: awesome

TT: We are so cool.

TG: true

TG: why is rose having another baby havent she and kanaya already adopted a child and seven dogs by now

TT: Apparently she wants to get her DNA out into the world.

TT: I know that you’re terrified of parenting, but you’re nineteen. You don’t have to worry about that for a while.

TG: thanks bud

TT: Anway I need a favor.

            You spend the next half hour arguing with your brother about the ideology of his favor that may be reveled at a later time if it becomes topical.

It’s twelve am. John forces you to go to bed.

* * *

 

            It’s Wednesday at the end of English class. You’ve started sitting next to Karkat. For some reason, he does not appreciate the doodles of a missile transforming into a monologing pot of pansies you were kind enough to illustrate in his notebook. He also doesn’t appreciate the large number of AVGN clips you send him with the caption ‘Is this you?’.

            “Dave, I know you’re only sitting next to me to take advantage of my superior writing skills. So will you just fucking tell me what you want already?”

            “Despite popular belief, I’m not actual a cruel person. Why do you insist on treating me like one?”

            Karkat scoffs, placing a few books into his bag and following you out the door.

            “You know, when I spend two years working my ass off to scrap up enough money and scholarship funds for college, I wasn’t doing it so I could be sassed by some quick-witted, underfed human asshole.” he says as you both make your way to the dorm buildings.

            “Offensive. I am not underfed.” you reply. You are probably underfed. At least you weigh more than your brother. He is shorter than you but that isn’t the point.

            “Alright, fine. I guess Mr. six-feet-tall with a thirty-once inch waist eats three full meals a day.”

            He’s one to talk. He’s a few pounds heavier than you and probably a healthier weight, but the bags under his eyes scream “kill me now”. You briefly wonder how he managed to measure your waist.

            “And you call me the asshole, Vantas.” you say, smirking.

            “Just because I’m a fucking ass does not mean that you aren’t a bigger fucking ass. Also, why are you following me?”

            You continue towards his room. “Sollux is debugging my laptop.”

            It was true. If you had any advice to get out into the world, it was ‘don’t download porn, no matter how tempting the thumbnail’.

            He opens his door and you follow him in. Neither the couch, two pile of garbage, or desk is occupied.

            “Oh great. Sollux just ran into Eridan.” Karkat says, checking his phone.

            “Why is that bad?”

            Karkat groans. “Every time Sollux and Eridan see each other, they get into some dumb contest that lasts for five hours.”

            “Well, great. Guess I have time to kill.” You should probably just go see what Terezi is up to. Maybe go down to your room and walk in on John jacking-off and have him act weird about it for way longer than he needs to.

            “Just don’t expect me to entertain you for two hours.”

            “Nah, it’s cool.” you say, walking over to Sollux’s record collection “I’ll just go through Sollux’s stuff.”

            Karkat watches as you sift through hundreds of records and cassette tapes featuring musicians who were famous before disco. He even has the mixtape you gave him.

            Karkat clears his throat. “No Dave, I’m totally having fun watching you be the world’s snoopiest friend.”

            “Oh, Sollux does this to me all the time. It’s a good thing. How else would I know that Sollux has an entire collection of Aretha Franklin CDs? Now I know what to get him for his wriggling day.”

            He grabs the CDs from your hands. “Those are mine, shithead.”

            “Wow, didn’t know you had taste.” you say as you move on to Sollux’s movie collection. He has a lot. Apparently Sollux and Karkat can’t afford Netflix and chill. You skim through the titles until you see something that makes your whole fucking week.

            “Holy shit.” you say.

            “What?”

            “You guys have _Sharkboy and Lavagirl_?”

            “Terezi gave it to us. I don’t know what it’s about and neither of those jackasses will tell me, in some attempt to force me to watch it.”

            “Couldn’t you just google it?”

            He sighs. “Sollux hacked me so every time I try it brings up, uh, never mind. What are you doing?”

            You’ve just taken out the disk and put it in the DVD player. You sit down on the couch and gesture for him to sit next to you.

            “No.” he says.

            “You have to. I don’t think you understand.”

            “I am perfectly happy with not understanding.”

            He needs to see this movie. Everyone needs to see this movie. But since you kind of barged into his house semi-uninvited, you should probably not force him to right now.

            You stand up. “Alright, you don’t have to.”

            “You know what? Fine. I’ll watch it if you’re gonna be a dick about it.” He sits down and tugs on your arm until you follow suit.

            “Good choice, Vantas. You won’t regret this.” You fish around for the remote.

            “What is the movie about, anyway?”

            You think about it. “Have you ever played _Conker’s Bad Furday_?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Well, it’s nothing like _Conker’s Bad Furday_.”

            Karkat looks about ready to punch you in the nose as you press play.

            He’s silent for about five minutes before he speaks.

            “Strider, this is the worst movie that I’ve ever seen.”

            “That’s the point.” You’re actually surprised he’s made it this long.

            Twenty minutes in and his lip is attempting to twitch into a smile. Out of the corner of his eye, you watch him bite his tongue. The famous dream journal scene is coming up and you kind of hope he loses it.

            _“He ruined my dream journal!”_

_“I did not! Mr. Electric, send him to the principal’s office and HAVE HIM EXPELLED!”_

            You grin as Karkat chokes on a few snickers. He scolds you for grinning at him.

            Over the next hour you spend way too much time studying Karkat’s various facial expressions. You laugh at all his snarky comments about the terrible writing and CGI. It’s kind of like having your own personal Tom Servo.

            He can barely get through Taylor Lautner’s “lullaby” and finally loses it at the shark frenzy scene. He has a hand over his mouth, a feeble attempt to try to contain his laughter. You can’t help the smile on your face that goes all the way to your eyes this time. You can’t help it, his laugh is surprisingly melodic and you are charmed.

            Mildly.

            “You know, I didn’t think I would see a ten year-old pale human child in a shit-scarfingly terrible steam punk Bela Lugosi costume today, but I guess I was wrong.” Karkat says when his laughter finally dies down. Shit-scarfingly. You add ‘scarfingly’ to the list.

            You grab the remote so you can turn the volume down a bit for the part that’s coming up. When you return, Karkat has his thigh pressed up against yours. He doesn’t seem bothered by it, so you pretend not to notice as a you watch an electricity-vomiting George Lopez injure small children and a normal George Lopez be a terrible teacher.

            A grand finale and the movie is over.

            You turn to Karkat. He has a look of defeat on his face.

            “So, what did you think?” you ask.

            “Oh, what should I critique first, the acting, the effects, or the plot?”

            “I’m ready for the whole thing.”

            He cracks his knuckles. “Dave, this this movie looks like a whirlwind of stupidity and curdled genetic material were all thrown together symbolically in a bucket and then used in some kind of shitty-ass satanic ritual of debauchery. This is the worst CGI I have ever seen in my life. To be fair, plenty of movies with terrible special effects hold up today, like _Tron_ or even _Star Wars_. But the shit-show graphics combined with the most unbearably inane and downright fucking embarrassing plot make for a collection of ass bigger than Gamzee probably eats in his downtime. Why is Taylor Lautner always posing? Why is young Sharkboy a different blood color than teenage Sharkboy? What in the motherfucking shit was that ending? Did he just dream too hard? There’s no logic in this world. What the fuck is supposed to keep me going now?”

            You laugh. “Yea, you should just give up now. Move back in with your parents, get hooked on _World of Warcraft_ , try to break a record for most pizza rolls consumed in one hour, inherit a fedora from your dead businessman grandpa, grow a neck beard, be mildly and passive-aggressively racist, suppress irrational anger at women, until the one goddamn faithful day you become a scientologist, then-“

            “Dave, what in the bulge-scarfing shit are you talking about?”

            “I have no fucking idea.”

            Karkat pauses for a moment before speaking. “You know, this dumbass debauchery actually reminds me of fantasies I had a wriggler. Sure, the acting is terrible, but the dialog in the scenarios the three-sweep old me made were similar. Back then, I would have thought Sharkboy idiotically posing on a god forsaken floating eyeball would have been cool. This may seem like a piss-poor, lazy Jr. acid trip of a movie, but maybe it’s more than that. Maybe this movie reflects the colorful adventures a child would like to have, the optimistic and naïve solutions a child will think of, and the simple need to be seen as a hero. Perhaps this is in fact, a cruel masterpiece made to analyze the psyche of a young mind.”

            “Dude, you might be fucking on to some shit there.”

            “Yea, anything I’m on to was probably a complete coincidence. Who directed this dump taken on a bigger dump?”

            You hear the door behind you open. Sollux drops a bag of apples that he probably stoll from the cafeteria of his old high school on the floor. He doesn’t know it, but you’ve been sneaking in food to his house for years. At least, you think he doesn’t know. You’re not sure how Sollux or Karkat could miss the fact that the peanut butter jar kept refilling and they’re been using the same one since 2014.

            “Well, I gotta peace out. John’s getting home late tonight and I haven’t had a chance to jack-off in over a week.” you say, getting your ass off the couch. You’re not lying.

            “Am I still running you through physics tomorrow?” Sollux asks.

            “Yea, sure. See you then.” You make your way out the door. Sollux smacks your butt on the way out. That’s three-hundred to three-hundred and one, his favor.

* * *

 

            You’re alone in your dorm room. You pull up the porn you have saved in a folder labeled ‘not porn’, a clever ruse to confuse even the most intelligent and technologically sophisticated of people.

            You’re about to unzip your pants when you receive a message from your sister. You briefly consider just ignoring her for now and cumming all over John’s shitty DVD collection. However, you scrap this idea on the account of the sheer weight of passive-aggression from the messages that she will send if you don’t answer right away. You really don’t want your computer to have to handle such high levels of assitry. You add ‘assitry’ to the list.

GG: Brother.

TG: sup

TG: before you type something like

TG: ‘I feel mild distaste to the primitive simplicity of your greeting.’

TG: please just think of the children

GG: Well, I hope it would appease you to know that I had no intent of mocking the sheer assitry of your simple greeting.

TG: you saw my word list

GG: I frequently track what you post on four-chan in an attempt to analyze your world views and mindsets.

GG: Think of it as my way of getting to know you better.

TG: we lived together for five years

TG: is this because i read your diary one time

GG: Yes.

GG: Actually, not only is it because you once had the indecency to read through my private writings, it is only because of it. There are no other reasons.

GG: I hope you take comfort in the fact that you are a big enough part of my life for me to preform actions that are exclusively out of spite for you.

TG: not to rush the warmth you make me feel on a daily basis but did you just message me to be a dick or what

GG: Admittedly, I have a favor to request of you.

GG: I need to drop some legal documents off at your university tomorrow about my maternal leave, and I was hoping you could accompany me.

TG: why

GG: Strangely, I find myself experiencing a short loss of consciousness every few days and I am taking measures to ensure that I’m not alone in the case of it happening somewhere that is not the comfort of my own home.

TG: fine

GG: Thank you. This has been easier than I expected.

TG: dude im not gonna put your fucking baby in danger

TG: im not dad

TG: forget i said that

GG: I will not, but for the remainder of this conversation and the next few conversations we have I will pretend to have.

GG: I’ll meet you in the library at three.

GG: Bring Karkat.

TG: why

GG: Kanaya will be busy, and without her there’s no source of maternal energy in my life.

GG: Please do not inform him of my wording.

            You sigh. Sollux is helping you at two tomorrow, which you suppose means you’re bringing him as well. That’s probably a good thing as he’s the only person besides Terezi who actual knows where the front office is.

            You’ll think about that tomorrow. Right now you’re just trying to get some action from your left hand. You unzip your pants just as you receive a message from carcinoGeneticist.

            Maybe you can do two things at the same time. It will probably account for some hilarity.

CG: WHY IS YOUR SISTER MAKING ME TAKE CARE OF HER ON A FIVE MINUTE WALK TO AN OFFICE?

TG: dude youve never been pregnant dont judge

CG: TRUE. GLAD TO KNOW I GET TO SUPPLY THE WORLD WITH A BUCKET OF MY OWN JIZZ IN A FEW YEARS.

CG: NICE KNOWING THAT I’LL JUST GET FINED IF I CHOOSE NOT TO TAKE PART INSTEAD OF BEING DISEMBOWELED, BUT STILL.

TG: bro im trying to jack it can you not talk about all your old planets terrible customs

TG: no offence

CG: NONE TAKEN. I’M NOT EXACTLY MORNING OVER THE FACT THAT MY PLANET BLEW UP AND FORCED US TO COME HERE. I MEAN, I GET TO LIVE TO BE SEVENTY EARTH YEARS INSTEAD OF FORTY NOW THAT THE GOVERNMENT WAS FORCED TO STOP GENETIC “POPULATION CONTROL”.

CG: NOT THAT I THINK EARTH IS A FUCKING PERFECT SYSTEM, BUT STILL.

CG: SMALL IMPROVEMENTS. ONE FUCKING SLOW ASS STEP AT A TIME.

TG: this time its you not being murdered

TG: next time its affordable and quality education for the entire world

CG: YEA, THAT WILL HAPPEN.

TG: it might

TG: your species coming was a good luck charm

TG: technology advances and modern medicine is tight now yo

CG: WAIT, HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE, DID YOU JUST SAY YOU JACKING OFF?

TG: yeah sorry

TG: #notmeanjustreal

TG:

CG: FUCKING DAMN IT STRIDER, THERE’S THIS COCK-RAGING THING CALLED SHAME. IT EXISTS FOR A REASON. EVEN IF IT’S MOSTLY A USELESS EMOTION IN MODERN SOCIETY, IT STILL SHOULD PROVIDE YOU WITH ENOUGH COMMON SENSE TO NOT INFORM ME OF THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TOUCHING YOURSELF WHILST COMPLAINING ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT!

TG: true

TG: you are obviously right

TG: i am in the wrong

TG: i am completely in the wrong here

TG: but still all your insults are making my task a lot harder

CG: I THOUGHT THE GOAL WAS TO MAKE IT HARDER.

TG: vantas

TG: vantas

TG: that was awesome

CG: THANKS, BUT I REALLY NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT I DID NOT DO IT FOR YOUR APPROVAL.

TG: yes you are very independent

CG: FEEL MY WRATH OF SHIT-FILLED SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS.

TG: when dont i

CG: [DAVE NEEDS CHURCH (clickable)](http://stopmasturbationnow.org/)

TG: oh my fucking god

TG: this is amazing thank you for bringing this to my attention

CG: ARE YOU ACTUALLY MASTURBATING?

TG: bro im manhandling my wang faster than republican candidates can drop out of the twenty sixteen election

CG: DO YOU USUALLY THINK ABOUT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES WHEN YOU’RE MASTURBATING?

TG: i mean hillarys kinda cute

TG: kinda

TG: im sure she has a good personality

TG: well maybe not but she was a pretty decent secretary of state

TG: oh yeah baby fucking govern my nads

TG: yeah you and your weird husband

CG: FIRST OF ALL, YOU’RE AN IDIOT. MY MIND IS APPARENTLY TOO FUCKING WEAK TO EVEN BEGIN TO FATHOM THE LEVELS OF IDIOCY THAT ARE RAMPAGING THROUGH YOUR CRANIAL CAVITY.

CG: SECOND, MARK RUBIO AND CARLY FIORINA ARE WAY MORE ATTRACTIVE.

TG: dude carly fiorina always has that look on her face like she would bite my dick off

TG: but yeah sure if i can get past the blatant prejudice and crazy rubio is smoking

CG: I’M FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT THE ONLY REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE WHO WOULD EVEN BE OK WITH THE IDEA OF GAY SEX WOULD BE KAISIC.

TG: trump has attended gay weddings

CG: I’M THREE HUNDRED PERCENT SURE THAT IN ACTUALITY, DONALD TRUMP DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A POLITICAL PARTY.

TG: true

TG: hey what about ben carson he was a troll and all of you guys are bisexual

CG: I WOULD LIKE TO JUST SIT BACK AND HAVE US BOTH FUCKING PRETEND THAT THE WHOLE BEN CARSON THING NEVER HAPPENED, FOR THE SMALL SLIVER OF REMAINING DIGNITY OF MY SPECIES.

TG: fine i guess ill just jack it to old bernie over here

TG: he kinda has a cute butt

CG: STRIDER, SANDER’S ASS HAS PROBABLY BEEN SAGGING SINCE HE WAS FIFTEEN.

TG: vantas over here dropping truth bombs

CG: YOU FUCKING KNOW IT, ASSHAT.

TG: ok hang on im switching hands

CG: DAVE, YOU’VE BEEN MASTURBATING FOR TWENTY MINUTES. OBVIOUSLY THIS CONVERSATION IS NOT SUPPLYING YOU WITH ENOUGH “HOT SHIT, YO” THAT YOU REQUIRE. WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO DO THIS?

TG: you know what

TG: yeah youre right jacking off a dick thats the same level of hardness for this long is fucking with my brain

TG: its like im fucking trying to keep a failing marriage alive or something

CG: I WOULD SAY HUMANS ARE WEIRD, BUT MY SPECIES IS PLENTY CAPABLE OF MASTURBATION. SO, I GUESS YOU’RE JUST WEIRD.

TG: so on alternia you really had to just orgasm in a bucket with a partner or die

CG: YEA. IT’S A MUCH MORE SOPHISTICATED PROCESS NOW. WE JUST GET CALLED INTO A ROOM TWICE IN OUR LIFE AND JIZZ IN A BUCKET AND THEN IT’S MIXED WITH A RANDOM STRANGER’S AND THEN LATER WE CAN ADOPT A RANDOM WRIGGLER WITH A MATESPRITE IF WE WANT. PERFECTLY NATURAL.

TG: i have a question

CG: I’M GUESSING IT’S ABOUT SOME PERSONAL ASPECT OF TROLL BIOLOGY THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED IN SEX-ED CLASS AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO SLAVE AWAY AND ANSWER FOR YOU INSTEAD OF USING THE INTERNET.

TG: yes

CG: OK WHAT’S YOUR QUESTION?

TG: can you like

TG: explain heat cycles to me

TG: i mean thats kind of sex related

TG: mildly hotter than capitalism

TG: not that i want to jack it to your peoples genetic issues

CG: OK, THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.

CG: BUT I WILL TELL YOU ON THE GROUNDS THAT I GET TO ASK YOU SOMETHING ABOUT HUMAN ANATOMY AFTER I’M DONE EXPLAINING.

TG: fair

CG: WE TAKE THIS TO OUR GRAVES.

CG: BACK IN THE “DAY” OR WHATNOT, WE WENT INTO HEAT THREE DAYS BEFORE OUR BODIES THOUGHT THE IMPERIAL DRONES WERE COMING. THEY WERE ALWAYS OFF THEN AND EVEN THOUGH THE NEED ISN’T EVEN THERE ANYMORE, HEAT IS STILL FUCKING THERE. IT SUCKS.

TG: how do you guys deal with it now

CG: IF YOU DON’T HAVE A MATESPRITE, EITHER YOUR MOIRALE OR A GOOD FRIEND IS SUPPOSED TO SUCK IT UP AND HELP YOU. EVERY HUMAN WHO LEARNS ABOUT HEAT CYCLES IS LIKE “OH WOW THAT’S HOT IT’S LIKE THE START OF A PORNO BLAH BLAH BLAH DO PEOPLE EVER REALIZE THEY HAVE FEELINGS FOR THEIR FRIENDS WHO HELP THEM?” FUCKING NO. IT’S NOT LIKE THAT. YOUR FRIEND IS PROBABLY JUST GOING TO SIT BACK AND LET YOU ENDLESSLY HUMP THEM WHILE THEY READ HP LOVECRAFT. IT’S THE LEAST SEXY SEX WE HAVE.

CG: IF NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE OPEN TO IT, YOU CALL THEM FUCK HEADS AND PREPARE FOR THE WORST WEEK OF YOUR LIFE.

TG: what about a kismises

CG: GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT.

CG: WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS, ANYWAY?

TG: i mean can you really blame me for being curious

TG: hey wait wouldnt something like a heat cycle take millions of years to evolve

CG: IMPERIAL DRONES EXISTED FOR A LONG TIME.

TG: do you all have heat cycles

CG: EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR KANAYA.

CG: SHE GETS SOMETHING ELSE THAT I’LL LET HER TELL YOU ABOUT IF YOU’RE CURIOUS.

TG: i think ill pass

TG: dude terezi is fucking horny as shit on a daily basis how the fuck does she deal with heat

CG: I ONCE WATCHED TEREZI WIN A COURT CASE WHILE SHE WAS IN MID HEAD CYCLE.

TG: is that impressive

CG: IT’S UNHEARD OF.

TG: what usually happens

CG: WE GO INTO SECLUSION FOR THREE DAYS WITH ONLY A PHONE TO SEND A FEW AWKWARD AND BEGGING TEXTS TO TRUSTED FRIENDS.

TG: like how you missed three days of class two weeks ago

CG: KEEP YOUR FUCKING IMMATURE ASS ACCUSATIONS TO YOURSELF. IT’S JUST AS LIKELY THAT I HAD A COLD! OR WENT ON VACATION! OR ANY NUMBER OF THINGS THAT DIDN’T INVOLVE ME SPENDING AN HOUR AND A HALF TRYING TO GET TEREZI AND SOLLUX TO COME HAVE SEX WITH ME, AND THEN FEELING INCREDIBLY HUMILIATED AFTER IT HAPPENED AND ALMOST TURN TO A LIFETIME OF ALCOHOLISM ONLY TO REMEMBER THAT THOSE FUCK HEADS DID THE SAME DAMN THING TO ME THREE YEARS AGO.

CG: ANYWAY, I JUST GAVE YOU AN ENTIRE CRASH COURSE BE NICE TO ME YOU SALTY FUCK.

CG: STRIDER?

CG: HELLO?

TG: hang on

TG: sorry for making accusations

TG: im sure that was embarrassing for you

TG: so to make you feel better i will inform you that i just managed to shoot cum in my own eye

CG: WOW DAVE, MY BULGE JUST WON’T STAY IN ITS SHEATH AND MY NOOK IS POSITIVELY QUIVERING WITH UNBRIDLED AROUSAL.

CG: OK, THIS IS GETTING WEIRD AGAIN. I’LL JUST ASK MY QUESTION AND LEAVE.

TG: whats your sexy question about my anatomy

CG: WHY ARE

CG: OK.

CG: UM.

TG: dude i just jacked off during a conversation with you and shot myself in my own face with semen do i seem like someone whos going to judge you

CG: YOUR DISGUSTING HABITS ASIDE, WHY ARE HUMAN SHAME GLOBS ON THE OUTSIDE?

TG: because theyre full of lighter fluid and we might ignite if its internal

TG: we can get lit while we pee aint that some shit

CG: NO OFFENSE, BUT I JUST GAVE YOU A HUGE SCIENCE LESSON. WIPE THE DORITO CRUMBS OFF YOUR CUM ENCRUSTED FACE AND STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.

TG: ouch

TG: but fair sorry

TG: its a temperature thing

TG: like all the baby making shit needs to be at a slightly lower temperature than our bodies

CG: THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE TERRIBLE. THE WHOLE “HUMAN BABY MAKING” PROCESS IS WEIRD AND I’M GLAD I NEVER WILL HAVE TO WITNESS IT.

CG: I’M GOING TO GO BEFORE THIS POSSIBLY GETS ANY WEIRDER. IT’S TWELVE PM. GO TO BED. I KNOW YOU HAVE A NINE AM CLASS.

TG: sleep is for the fucking weak.

CG: I WILL ANALYZE YOUR INSOMNIA SOME OTHER TIME. GOODNIGHT.

            You finish cleaning semen off of your eye. You wait another hour until John comes home to go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'favor' Dirk was asking for will be revealed in another chapter. It's more of a stupid joke I came up with than anything important.
> 
> As far as reading porn about our Founding Fathers, I actually did look it up on ao3 one time out of curiosity. I actually did find one about Hamilton sucking Jefferson's dick. Also, I found out that people have been writing Founding Fathers fanfiction well before Hamilton was written. That was surprising.
> 
> Heat cycles are not going to be relevant at any point later in this. Maybe I just wanted to think about how actually unpleasant that would be.


	3. The One With the Rad Cop

            It’s Thursday. You’re in the library with Sollux, finishing up your physics homework. Rose is meeting you in about ten minutes.

            “Bromeo, thanks. I mean, I only understand this about one percent better and am sure to have this class shoot my GPA straight up the ass, but thanks for trying.”

            Karkat walks up and sits down next to Sollux, across from you. He looks underwhelmed.

            “So when’s your sister getting here? Not that I’m excited to get to babysit a grown women without payment.”

            “Oh, you’re complaining?” Sollux says “I’ve never even met Rose.  I’m going to have to go through the awkward first meeting where I pretend to be interested in her life and she pretends to be interested in mine and then I make some dumb joke about her being pregnant and offend her and then I’ve just fucked myself over for the next twenty minutes.”

            Rose walks up behind Sollux and he jumps. “Don’t worry, Sollux. As incredibly rude and pretentious it may sound to an untrained ear, I will refrain from asking you questions about your life.”

            Sollux looks extremely relieved.

            You gather your things. You, Karkat, and Rose all follow Sollux out the library door. You and Karkat hang back a little in case Rose needs any help walking. Sollux looks absolutely terrified of Rose. You suspect that it’s either that he’s mildly disturbed by human pregnancy, or that he’s terrified of the thought of parenthood because of how terrible your father was.

            Wait, no, Dave. Stop projecting.

            “When are you due?” asks Karkat, who seems to have no fear of babies or pregnant woman like any normal person.

            “About a week.” Rose says, eyeing you carefully in what you think is an attempt to analyze your psyche.

            You scoot uncomfortably away from Rose’s eyes and realize that you’re all standing in the middle of the parking lot. You wouldn’t mind that much, if it hadn’t been for the rising temperature of May, thanks to global warming.

            “Sollux, you know where you’re going, right?” you ask, smacking his ass it bring up the score to three hundred and one to three hundred and one, tied.

            He rubs the spot you smacked him. “I know where the front office is. It’s not that hard to find.”

            “Have you ever actually been there?” asks Karkat.

            “Sure. When I first got here, two years ago.” he replies, shrugging.

            Karkat sighs. “Sollux, I know that you’ve wasted enough time wandering around this place to know more about it than us, but to be honest, we set the bar so fucking low that if you know where a drinking fountain is you have us beat.”

            “Stop it, Karkat. You’re ruining a perfectly good guide. Look at him, he has anxiety.” you say, grinning like the winner you are.

            His eyes widen. “Did you just fucking meme at me?”

            “Dave, twenty fifteen is over.” says Sollux “Get new memes.”

            “I’m a fucking shit poster what do you want from me.”

            “Sollux, will you just admit you’re lost?” says Karkat.

            “I’m not lost, I’m misplaced.”

            “I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but my water just broke.”

            You, Karkat, and Sollux all slowly turn towards Rose. You figure you have about three seconds before all three of you start running in terrified circles.

            “What?” asks Karkat carefully.

            “My water just broke. I guess that means I’ll probably be having my baby in anywhere from two days to twenty minutes.” she calmly explains.

            “Should we call an ambulance, or what?” you ask, a little louder than you intended.

            “I don’t think I currently have the fanatical capabilities to afford an ambulance for something that doesn’t quite qualify as life threatening.”

            “I can’t drive.” says Karkat. “Who can drive?”

            “Dave can drive.” says Sollux.

            “I don’t have a car.”

            Karkat rubs his temples. “Holy fucking shit, what do we do?”

            Sollux mumbles something.

            “What is it?” you ask.

            “Sollux, we can barely understand you with that lisp already. You have to fucking belt it.”

            “I said I might know a car we can use.” Sollux looks at your shoulder, refusing to make eye contact with any of you.

            “Ok, fucking great. Let’s go.” says Karkat in what you guess is an attempt to move the current conundrum along. Rose watches with mild amusement in the background.

            Sollux leads you all to a gleaming purple sports car that you don’t recognize. A bumper sticker reading “My other car is a yacht” is plastered to the rear.

            “Called it.” says Karkat.

            “Shut it.” says Sollux. You watch as red and blue strings of light pull down the lock from the outside. Sollux open the door as you shakily make your way into the driver’s seat. Sollux gets in the passenger seat. Karkat helps Rose into the back. You now think you understand what Rose meant about Karkat having ‘maternal energy’ or whatever shit. You have to admit, Karkat is handling himself better than you expected. He’s probably handling himself better than you at this point. You feel mildly bad for not placing enough faith in your friends. To be fair, your original image of Karkat was much different that the surprisingly tolerant and intelligent troll he has been proving himself to be.

            You wait for Sollux to turn the key in the ignition before realizing that there’s no key slot.

            Sollux notices too. “Oh fuck.”

            “What is it now?” asks Karkat.

            “This car can only be turned on by a finger print or a phone. Hang on, I have to call someone. Talk amongst yourselves so I don’t feel awkward.”

            No one talks amongst themselves. Karkat yells at him to make the stupid call. You hear someone pick up after the first ring.

            “Yes, hi. I need a favor. It’s mildly urgent.” he says.

            You hear a muffled voice that you recognize.

            “It’s somewhat difficult to explain. Hang on, I’ll - “ At this point, Karkat simply snatches the phone away from Sollux.

            “Eridan, if you don’t turn on your car in seven seconds, Rose is going to give birth all over your melodramatic bullshit interior.”

            The car immediately starts.

            “He says you owe him.” Karkat tells Sollux.

            You somehow manage to start the car, hands still trembling as you momentarily forget how to drive a stick shift. You pull out into the street, completely disregarding the fact that you are more likely to get in a car crash that you ever have been in your life. You drive about ten miles an hour over the speed limit, almost running a red light.

            Why are your hands shaking so much? You’ve been in life or death situations before and handled them coolly. You suppose the fact that other people are relying on your actions might be what’s making you freak more than Dick Cheney at his own shadow. That and the fact that you have never driven Eridan’s car and it does not handle like anything you’ve driven before.

            If you’re being honest with yourself, you may have a very complicated fear of fatherhood that you might or might not be projecting onto Rose. Dave, you’re projecting more than a cheap middle school light box. Stop being weird.

            You set that uncomfortable and mildly cliché thought aside. You catch Karkat’s eyes in the rear-view mirror. He’s looking at you with something that you might call empathetic concern.

            “Sollux, switch places with me.” says Karkat.

            “Huh, what?” he replies, distracted by rifling through the glove compartment.

            “Just do it.” says Karkat. You watch as they both unhook their seat belts and make movements as graceful as a tight-fitting car with seats will let them. Basically, not graceful. Karkat buckles his seat belt next to you and Sollux does his duty being terrified of Rose.

            Karkat gives you a look as you grip the wheel so hard your knuckles whiten.

            “Strider?”

            “Yea?” you manage to say, your mouth dry.

            “You really don’t need to pretend to be cool right now.”

            You think about it. On one hand, you do have an image to withhold. On the other hand, you withholding your image may result in the misfortunes of other people. Basically, it would be an incredibly petty, dangerous, and simply selfish act.

            So you roll down the window and begin to yell a string of profanities. So long, image. You will be missed.

            “Strider?” asks Karkat again.

            “FUCKING COCK SUCKER!” you reply. Your statement is eloquent to say the least, such so that only ones with just the vastest depths of intellectual perception would be able to truly understand the meaning behind your words.

            “Ok, I’m going to turn on the radio.” he says, twisting the nobs to random channel. He arrives at a Whitney Houston classic.

_"And i-eeeeeeeei, will always love you-oooo”_

            “HOLY SHIT!” you yell again. It’s actually working. Your hands are steading themselves and you’re becoming more focused instead of spending all of your mental energy attempting not to panic. You stop projecting your insecurities onto Rose and remind yourself that she’s a great mom and you probably will be too someday. It occurs to you that screaming is probably the only thing that has kept Karkat from going insane.

            After a few minutes of you screaming out the window while Karkat tries to decide if it’s a good idea to put a comforting hand on your knee, you calm down. Well, at least reach the highest rank of calm that you can acquire while traveling towards a hospital fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit to make sure your sister can safely have her baby also did you mention yet that you may have some major guardian issues?

            No Dave, stop oversharing like a drunk person on Yahoo Answers. No one cares.

            You sit back and listen to some of Sollux’s nervous ramblings to Rose while she disassociates the pain from her contractions like some kind of witch.

            “…Yeah, that’s why I think the concept of Hard Determinism should be treated less as a philosophy and more as a pointless scientific fact. While passive Nihilism in itself might not be danger, more active Nihilism can occur with the idea that it’s imposable to make a choice that wasn’t brought upon by nature or nurture, two things we may not have control over. Anyway, Schrodinger’s cat was a dumb thought experiment and he…”

            You and Karkat share a glance. He rolls his eyes and places a comforting hand on your knee. It’s surprisingly nice.

            “Since when are you so kind in the face of terror?” you ask. Your throat hurts from screaming.

            “Dave, if making sure an actual newborn baby is safe I’ll do whatever it fucking takes to get your skinny ass to calm the fuck down.”

            “Since when did you start calling me Dave?”

            He rolls his eyes again. “Ever since you decided that keeping up your ‘cool as a fucking origami unicorn that spills the truth to Harrison Ford’ image for every minute of every day was less important than not crashing a car.”

            “Don’t worry, Vantas, my respect for your hot, referencing ass has grown like a fucking bean stock sold to me by patient zero of the bubonic plague.” You meant this statement to be a joke but it’s true.

            You hear police sirens behind you.

            “Oh fuck.” you say. This is going to waste way too much time.

            “Rose, when they come to the window, lose the calm demeanor shit. You need to fucking act more sporadically pregnant.” says Karkat.

            “Well, sorry guys, but I think we’re already all going to jail.” says Sollux “I’m already on every government watch list.”

            Karkat tosses a crumpled piece of paper at him.

            “Sollux, fucking dumbass trigger-happy racist police assholes don’t care about your Facebook rants on how much you hate the CIA, holy shit, hello officer.”

            A female troll police officer is staring at Karkat, looking like she might just fuck all of you over for his comment.

            She shrugs. “Nah, it’s cool, I hate the CIA too. And yeah, I’ve met plenty of cops who are trigger-happy dumbasses, and you stereotyping me doesn’t really impact me negatively.” she turns to you “Also, you’re getting a speeding ticket.”

            Rose pipes up from the backseat. “But officer, I’m pregnant! My friend shouldn’t be punished just because he doesn’t want my baby to get murdered! Is this convincing? Am I being convincing?”

            The cop has Rose roll down her window. Her badge reads ‘Latula Pyrope’ and it occurs to you that she looks a lot like Terezi.

            “Ok, if you guys chose to not call an ambulance, I’m guessing you’re all either dumbasses or too poor to bend to the cruel hands of capitalism. Since this is America, I’m guessing it’s the latter. So I’m going to help you.”

            “Wait, really?” Karkat says.

            She grins. “Yeah, I’ll escort you right there. Can you fucking step on it, sunglasses boy?”

            “You fucking know it.” you say, exited to finally punch capitalism in the balls and end it forever, something that not even _Bioshock_ could do.

            “Rad.” She gives you a high-five before returning to her car.

* * *

 

After an awesome car ride, you thanked the cop and found out she was Terezi’s cousin. You, Sollux, and Karkat then proceeded to shuffle Rose in as quickly to the hospital as possible while dealing with the most cynical nurse you had ever met.

            “Hello, my friend is going to have a baby.” says Karkat to the nurse.

            “Join the fucking club.” she says as she leads you all to a delivery room.

            An underwhelmed Rose is quickly ushered inside. The nurse turns to you and your gang of salty trolls friends.

            She sticks a pencil down the spiral of one of her horns. “Which one of you is the father?”

            You all look at each other, wondering if she’s joking when Karkat’s eyes go wide.

            “Holy fucking fucks, we forgot to call Kanaya!” he exclaims.

            The nurse sighs as you three like the idiots you are. Despite all three of you having some degree of critical thinking skills, creativity, and knowledge retaining abilities, you are now idiots for life. It can happen so easily.

            “I’m the father.” says Karkat, clearly not the father.

            “Sure you are.” says the nurse “Come in anyway. She might want company.”

            She’s about to lead all three of you in when Karkat catches your eye. Somehow he sees through your shades sanctuary and into the semi-panicking in your face.

            “Actually, Dave.” he asks “Would you mind calling Kanaya and figuring out what Eridan wants us to do with his car?

            Any other time you’d make some crack about how he’s a hypocrite for calling you a fucking knight when you rush to help him with his problems. But right now, you’re incredible relived. You’re glad that you get a break to process the shit that just went down before it’s probably right back to Rose and her life-giving vagina.

            You message Kanaya. It’s not a very long conversation, as soon as she finds out what’s happening she immediately gets off the phone to rush there. Eridan initially tells you he doesn’t need his car until later, but finally mentions something about Sollux making him be more social and asking you to just pick him up so that he can drop everyone off afterwards.

            On the way to pick him up you sit yourself down to process some shit.

            You pick him up. He has you sit in the passenger’s seat. You notice that he looks slightly different than the last time you saw him. Halfway through the car ride, you notice that his hair is longer than you remembered it being after seeing him have the same hair cut for six years. After finding a picture of Sollux in a thong in the glove compartment and pretending you didn’t see it, you’re tempted to ask about their relationship. Holy shit, what if he knows you and Sollux had sex in eleventh grade out of inter-species curiosity? He’s about to ask you something, probably what you want your last words to be when he pulls over and murders you. Too bad, Eridan, you’ve been planning for this situation your entire life.

            Wait, no, he’s just asking you about music and now you two are in a very eccentric discussion about _Riverdance_. You make him promise not to tell anyone that you like _Riverdance_.

* * *

 

            You returned to the hospital. There was some yelling, some crying, some swearing, some Kanaya covering her and Rose’s other child from the swearing, some random screaming as you arrived just soon enough to see blood flying everywhere.

            Twenty minutes later, you’re starting straight in the black eyes of a new born baby girl. Rose had asked you if you wanted to hold her. You had declined and Karkat had taken up the offer instead. Karkat holds the baby like a pro. You would have been worried about a random series of events that would finally lead to you accidently throwing the baby out the window.

            “Look at this fucking baby.” says Karkat “The miracle of life is revolting. I want to either play _Journey_ or coat the walls of this room with my vomit.”

            “Karkat, don’t play that shit. This first song this baby hears is going to be some lyrically sophisticated Billy Joel.” says Sollux.

            “Actually” says Rose, unable to stop smiling “Those are both terrible. Those will either give her terrible taste or a liberal arts degree, respectively.”

            You reach out and touch the baby lightly on the nose to assert your place as Alpha Male over this tiny human.

            “Actually Rose, as a trained musician I think I should get to pick the first song that your child hears.” you say, grin plastered on your face.

            “No, Dave.” Rose, Karkat, and Kanaya all say in unison.

            You turn to Sollux. “Hey, remember tenth grade, that one jazz combo practice where we were the only ones to show up? And we dicked around for three hours?”

            Sollux thinks for a few seconds before he smiles.

            “Dave, I don’t know what the fuck you two dipshits are about to do, but it better not involve singing or embarrassing me in public. Holy shit, you are not listening to me. You are currently counting off and both opening your mouths. Please, for the love of everything holy and my ability to function as a normal citizen, stop the air guitar solos!”

            “ _It was twenty years ago today, Sargent Pepper taught the band to play, they’d been going in and out of style, but they’re guaranteed to raise a smile,_ ”

            Karkat flashes you two a scowl that quickly turns into an adorable little smile.

            “ _So may I introduce to you, the act you’ve known for all these years, Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club band!_ ”

            “Dave, please stop turning my baby into trash.” says Rose.

            “Well, everyone else has already seen me intellectually discredited in public.” says Karkat “I guess this baby was just fucking born into it. That’s the way the cookie crumbles straight into god’s asshole.”

            Time for the crescendo. “ _We’re Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, we hope you will enjoy the show! Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, sit back and let the evening go!”_

At this point, Rose has started throwing balls of paper at you from her bedside and Kanaya is once again covering her other child’s ears, not wanting it to turn him into a dirty hippie.

            “ _Sargent Pepper’s Lonely, Sargent Pepper’s Lonely, Sargent Pep_ -“

            At this point a ball of paper nails you in the face and sends your shades straight into Sollux. Everyone looks at Rose.

            “What?” she asks “Just because I just created a life doesn’t mean I can’t set aside the time required to, say, kill two birds with one stone.”

            Everyone groans and Karkat hands the baby back to Kanaya. You’re taken aback by the grin he flashes you, mildly flustered. You’re rehearsing whatever massive witty word bomb your about to drop on Karkat when you are cock-blocked, once again, by John’s arrival.

             John scurries over to Rose’s side. “Sorry I’m late. Holy shit, you had a baby. Is it a boy or a girl? Actually, let’s not put labels on your baby. We all know gender isn’t real and was invented by the greeting card company. Does your baby have a name yet?”

            John continues to ramble like a dumbass and you consider recording him to send to Terezi so she can get her fill of mocking him.

            “No John, she doesn’t have a name yet. Kanaya and I decided we saw her to choose a name. And before you ask, no. We are not naming her ‘Liv’.” Rose and Kanaya share a glance.

            John shrugs. “Actually, I was going to suggest the name ‘Casey’.”

            Rose and Kanaya shoot each other another glace. The looks on their faces suggest they are having one of their silent discussions.

            “Alright.” says Kanaya.

            “Alright what?” asks John.

            “Alright. We have decided we like the name Casey. From now on, this child will be known as Casey Roxanne Maryam-Lalond.”

            Then there’s more cheering and crying and Sollux and Kanaya are actually celebrating together for the first time since Bumpershoot.

            In the heat of the moment, you lose your cool for the second time today and wrap your arms around Karkat. You realize you probably should have asked for him consent first, and are about to loosen your arms when he hugs you back. Whatever. A week and a half of friendship is apparently enough time for him to be comfortable with hugs. You grip him tight enough to actually pick him up a few feet above the ground. He’s lighter than you were anticipating, and you’re still grinning like an idiot. You pull your head back a little and see that he is, too. He’s looking straight at your eyes, and you realize this might be his first time seeing then without a shades buffer. You’re mildly embarrassed by the fact that he can see you grinning with your whole face, not just the stupid asshole smirk you usually flash. But honestly, most of your brain is too busy wondering how he can manage to look so fucking adorable when he smiles. His eyes are flashing a happy, bright orange and his black hair is framing his face. His ears are sticking up at a happy angle and you realize just how much he reminds you of a kitty.

            Suddenly his eyes open wide and his smile is replaced by a horrified expression. You immediately set him down. He makes an awkward noise in his throat and you make an awkward noise in your throat. You wonder away and pretend you didn’t just spend the last minute straight thinking about how attractive you realized you found him. You push the thought to the back of your brain and congratulate Rose and Kanaya one last time, who look about ready to start singing _Dear Theodosia_.

            “Congrats sis, you grew a free-loader inside of you. You had to share everything you ate or nine months. Maybe she’ll grow up to be a radical communist. But it won’t work. One of you will become upper-class and corrupt and then one of your neighbors is lazy and the whole system crashes. We need the free market, Rose.”

            “Dave, I think you are perfectly aware that I have the parenting skills needed to not turn my baby into a cold war child.” Rose says, eyeing you with a mixture of disgust and amusement.

            You shrug. “Just making sure.” You turn to Rose and Kanaya’s other child.

            “Hey, Kilroy, Communism is bad. Capitalism is bad too. So is Anarchy. And Monarchy. And Oligarchy. Stay true.” you say to the young troll.

            He nods respectively.

            You’re about to go on your way when you have a thought.

            “Hey wait!” you say, hurrying back to him “Don’t take my word for it. Here, this will teach you some more about the basis of that mad dog in the sky called the government, yo.”

            You pull out the Communist Manifesto, an old gift from Terezi that you had memorized by now and hand it to him, mussing the hair between his stubby horns.

            “Share the knowledge with your new sister.” You are a great uncle. He gives you a salute. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the idea for this from and old episode of the wonder years.
> 
> Dave's fear of parenting? That's just my fear. So may of my friends had terrible parents growing up. Also, overpopulation. Stop having kids. Don't do it. No. No kids.


	4. The One With Esoteric Jabs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have anything to say about this chapter except that it was a sin.

GC: H3LLO D4V3 >:}

TG: what is up you giant ass

TG: not that your ass is giant though you got a flat ass

TG: so fucking flat

TG: its flatter than the eifflel tower

TG: if it were flat

GC: D4V3 SHUT UP YOUR 4SS GO3S INW4RD

GC: 4NYW4Y 1 JUST W4NT3D TO 1NFORM YOU TH4T 1 H34RD WH4T H4PP3ND Y3ST3RD4Y

TG: the part about the baby or the part where i sold oregano to some high school kids for fifty bucks

CG: 4LTHOUGH 1 WOULD L1K3 TO H34R MORE 4BOUT TH4T L4T3R

CG: TH3 P4RT W1H TH3 B4BY

CG: 4R3 YOU R34DY FOR MY 4RT1ST1C R3P3RS3NT4T1ON

TG: i was born ready for your art

TG: all of me

TG: mostly my asshole

TG: anyway spill the shit pyrope

GC:

TG: simply magnificent

GC: OH TH4TS NOT 4LL

GC: 1 H34RD YOU TOUCH3D TH3 B4BY

GC: SO 1 ST4RT3D WOND3R1NG HOW 4 NORM4L HUM4N B4BY WOULD R34CT TO CONT4CT W1TH COOL K1D G3N3S SO SUP1R1OR

TG: whatever trash you came up with is probably accurate

GC:

GC: L3TS G3T 4 CLOS3 UP OF TH4T

GC:

TG: simply beautiful

TG: wait how did you know i swapped rad skin cells with a bro

GC: WH4T

TG: how did you know i touched the baby

GC: K4RK4T TOLD M3

GC: H3 H4S TH1S HABB1T OF N4M3 DROPP1NG YOU

TG: huh

TG: whats he said

GC: JUST STUFF L1K3

GC: OH D4V3 1S 4 DUM4SS ON3 T1M3 H3 M4D3 M3 4 M3M3

GC: OH WHY DO3S D4V3 W34R SUCH T1GHT SH1RTS H3 LOOKS L1K3 4SSH34D 4ND 1 W4NT H1M TO FUCK M3 1NTO MY COUCH

TG: despite how much believing he said that last part might fuel my massively swelling ego i just cant see him saying that dank shit

TG: for one thing someone that tightly wound is probably a freak and wants to be taken over like the kitchen sink while the garbage disposal is going or something

TG: the thrill of danger

GC: N1C3 SUBJ3CT CH4NG3

TG: dave used distract

TG: it wasnt very effective

TG: but who cares because humanity is an insignificant speck in space and time and we all grow up to be dead

GC: D4MN YOU SOUND L1K3 YOUR BROTH3R

TG: speaking of him can you remind me to message him later

GC: SUR3

GC: BY TH3 W4Y K4RK4T WONT STOP R34D1NG OV3R MY SHOLD3R 4ND H3 W4NTS TO G1V3 YOU 4 V3RY GRUNG3FUL ‘H1’

TG: wait where are you

GC: 4T TH3 POTT3RY C3NT3R

TG: cool ill come meet you

GC: 1 THOUGHT W3 W3R3NT M33T1NG FOR 4NOTH3R HOUR

TG: eh ill check in on my best brah early

TG: youll be my early bird special

GC: HUH

TG: what

GC: OH NOTH1NG

GC: NOTH1NG 4T 4LL

TG: ok miss judgmental

CG: ill be there in ten minutes

* * *

 

            You’re at the pottery studio, chatting with Terezi as you make a beautiful creation. You watch out of the corner of your eye as Karkat throws a two pound ball of clay on the wheel in front and facing you. He centers it in seconds and seems to be in such a trance that he doesn’t notice you. Sollux is next to him, jamming on of his horns directly into a ball of clay.

            “What kinda shit are they doing?” you ask Terezi.

            She cackles. “They do this to save expenses on actually buying cups and plates and stuff.”

            “Don’t they have to pay for the clay?”  
            “Sollux’s bees power this whole room.”

            You think for a second. “Wait, aren’t Sollux’s bees illig-“

            “Dave, what in the bulge-sucking shit are you doing here?” asks Karkat, finally looking up.

            “Creating art.” you say truthfully.

            “Why do I get the feeling that you’re making a low brow, comically oversized, dumber-than-all-the-bad- _Monty_ - _Python_ -skits-put-together dildo?” he asks.

            You hide the low brow, comically oversized, dumber-than-all-the-bad-Monty-Pythons-skits-put-together dildo behind your hands.

            “No.” you say liefully.

            You add ‘liefully’ to your list of words as the dildo flops over. Darn, and you were going to carve Fox Mulder’s face into that. You pretend to watch Terezi as she makes the worst looking cup you’ve ever seen. Someone who didn’t know her well would assume it was because she was blind, but you knew that it was just so she could throw it off the roof and listen to it shatter later while laughing manically until someone called the RA.

            You arrange the fallen dildo into some sort of arch while Karkat gives you a judgmental eye.

            “Dave, what the actual fuck” he says.

            You grin. “It’s an arch. Advanced Roman architecture.”

            “That’s uh, that’s really dumb.”

            “No way was dudebro, the Roman’s knowledge of keystones and dome structures was extremely advanced for the time period.”

            “That’s the dumbest thing that I’ve ever heard. I want you to know that you’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met.”

            Sollux looks up. “Are you sure about that?”

            You and Karkat follow his gaze. A human guy about your age just walked through the door. He’s attractive, blond hair framing his face well and a thin but muscular build. However, Karkat is looking at him like he’s about as attractive as an even less organic looking Ted Cruz.

            “Who’s that?” you ask Sollux.

            “The actual most annoying person Karkat has ever met.” he answers, amused.

            The new guy walks straight over to Karkat. Karkat immediately sighs.

            “Karkles.” he says “You. Me. Date. Let’s make it happen.”

            “Steven Addefornia. Have you ever considered that all the past times I’ve rejected you might mean that I’m not interested?”

            “Maybe not now. But it’s fate.” He flashes an asshole grin.

            Sollux scoffs. “Fate is an illogical concept conjured by people who don’t have the mental capacity to accept science. It’s not how romance works.”

            Steven Anagram scoffs back. “Ok, you really gonna listen to two face over there?”

            Never mind what you thought about this guy being attractive, he gets less pretty ever second he opens his mouth. Sollux mutters about it being because he’s a Gemini while Karkat rips this guy a new one.

            “Yes, I am going to listen to two face over there. Why? Well, for starters, your extreme lack of appreciation for my rants and passion is kind of a deal breaker, and I don’t really have an interest going on a date with someone who’s main method of flirting with me is purposely annoying me and un-consensually ass-ram into my personal space. Yes, I know I’m an irritable person and all of my friends enjoy annoying me, but you do it in such extreme and pathetic attempts that it warps every inch of perfect skin you have into looking like you have the complexion an underpaid teenager who spends way too much time standing ignorantly over the vat of over-salted fries.”

            Sollux and Terezi burst out laughing. However, Steven still looks unfazed.

            “Eh, whatever. I’ll get you one of these days.” He’s about to walk off to temporally give up on trying to win Karkat over by not listening to him or valuing him as a person when Karkat opens his mouth.

            “Hey Dave, movie night tomorrow?” he says, somewhat angrily.

            “Huh? Sure.” you say quickly, like the suave bastard you are. You’re not sure if he’s serious, you get the feeling he’s just trying to piss this guy off. Steven sighs and begins to make his way back to his fuckboy friends.

            You look back at Steven EsotericFourthWallBreak and are pleased when he breaks his stride just a little to glare at you. You almost want to find him later and ask him how he likes them apples but decide that would be a little too much celebration for your fake date with Karkat.

            You watch Karkat as he pulls off a fully-formed plate from his pottery wheel and walks over behind some of the shelves. Terezi gives you a look. Sollux is too busy continuing to stick his head in clay and silently over-analyze the state of over-analytical thought.

            “Oh, shut up.” you say to Terezi, taking off your own creating with another wire. Perturbed by Terezi’s grin, you wander over to put your bent marital aid on the pre-kiln shelf and to see if Karkat was serious about movie night.

            He’s carving his name into the bottom of the plate he just made. You place your creating along with the fifty other dildos you’ve made, hoping he won’t notice.

            “Dave, why have you made fifty models of human genitalia?” he asks, amused and annoyed.

            You shrug. “That’s not all I’ve made.”

            “Really Dave, I’m sure. You know what, how about you show me something, anything you’ve made that doesn’t resemble a dildo or a broken dildo or a bent dildo or an ‘architectural’ dildo or really anything that the infantile part of your brain shit out into this world.”

            You search your shelf. You eventually pull out a clay baseball cap and he sighs. His eyes practically roll back into his head and you can’t stop smiling; it’s strangely cute.

            “Dave, I don’t fucking care anymore if you want to be a dumbass.” He turns away from you and tries to put his plate on the top shelf. “Anyway, you don’t actually have to have a movie night with me.”

            “I mean, I know I don’t have to, but you got me all looking forward to it and shit.”

            “Alright. I guess. It’s not that I have anything better to do.” He’s on his toes now, not quite tall enough to reach the top shelf. You knew he was small, but you don’t think the tips of his horns can reach 5’6.

            “Do you want some help.” you ask.

            “No.” he says.

            “Yes.” he says seven seconds of trying later.

            You consider taking the plate from him, but that will probably bend it. So you grab his waist and lift him a foot in the air, careful not let your hands slip underneath the fabric of his ridiculously soft MLK shirt. It’s different from feeling your own waist, as Karkat has somehow acquired a normal, healthy waist consisting of muscle and a thin layer of cellulite, verses you with muscle and then straight bone. You should probably eat more, and also stop thinking about Karkat’s waist.

            “Stop being my fucking knight. Sunday?” he asks once you return him safely to the ground.

            “Sure.”

* * *

 

            It’s Sunday afternoon. Yesterday, you and Karkat had made plans for today, deciding on his room again and a time. The conversation had then faded to both the unlikelihood and issues with anarcho communism and the plot of Sonic 06’.

            You definitely did not spend the last twenty minutes thinking about what you should wear because your name is Dave Strider and you don’t do that.

            Besides, it’s about ninety degrees outside anyway. Even with AC, the inside of your dorm room is a good eighty, and you doubt Karkat’s room is much better. So you opt for your red ‘yes I am a straight boy’ shorts and a tank top so you can remind Karkat how attractive you are for having arms and other shoulder appendages.

            You pet your dog goodbye. For the first time since last summer, he’s decided he’s too overheated give you a surprise bark attack before you venture off for a few hours. You make a note to move her run to tonight after it’s cooled down a little.

            You walk up the stairs and knock on Karkat’s door. There’s a muffled noise that kind of sounds like ‘come in’. You open the door to him lying face down on the floor, head next to a bag of ice in front of a fan.

            He’s wearing what looks like a towel and one of Araida’s skirts. It’s too big for him. He looks mildly dead, but in a cute way. You’re sure he’ll leave behind a beautiful corpse one day. Shut the fuck up Dave, stop being weird in your thoughts.

            You walk over to his body and he rolls over, groaning.

            “Are you ok?” you ask, mildly worried.

            “Yes, I fucking fine. Just tired of it being eighty degrees in my room for seven hours straight.”

            “Not that you don’t look rockin’, but why are you wearing an oversized skirt?”

            He sighs, grabbing a pair of shorts. “My culture originally didn’t have all the weird gender crap that humans had, so we forget sometimes to conform to normal human standards so we can fit in and never amount to anything and then die at the end of our lives, filled with regrets. But at least I can still wear women’s shorts and people don’t usually notice.” You look away while he puts on a paint-stained tee-shirt.

            “How do I look?” he asks, somewhat mockingly.

            “You look good. You look organic. Thank you.” you say in typical Duchovny fusion. He actually does look nice, in an over-heated, broke college student kind of way. If you’re being honest with yourself, Karkat could wear a garbage bag and he would still look nice to you.

            “Thanks you memey fuck. What are we watching?” he asks, plopping down on his couch and pressing a hand to his forehead.

            “I don’t know. Where’s your DVD player?” you ask.

            “In front of the fan. We’ve lost two DVD players to death by melting.”

            You connect Sollux’s computer to the TV monitor. ”Well, I guess I’ll just have to see what Sollux has illegally downloaded.”

            You click on a link called "weiird porn".

            "No." says Karkat.

            "Yes." says you.

            A half hour of weird porn passes. You keep looking over at Karkat hiding behind his fingers while he tries not to laugh his ass off as some guy gets pizza eaten off his ass.

            "So, you working on that analysis?" You ask.

            "I think it has something to do with, uh, censorship, and, um, authoritarianism." he answers "I don't fucking know, Dave, it's porn. Why are we watching this?"

            “Damn Karkat, you’re getting goddamn philosophical. Watch out or Ayn Rand is gonna crawl out of her fucking grave and beat your hot ass with a wad of pretentiously-earned cash."

            “What does that even mean? Do you just say random shit? Shut up and inhale my swollen bulge until you choke as we descend into the depth of hell.”

            “Ok.”

            “What?” he ask.

            “What.” you say.

            “What?” asks Sollux, finally returning home from the war.

            “Karkat asks me if I wanted to have a three way with you two quality hoes.” you say. Karkat hits you across the face with a pillow and you giggle like a dumbass.

            “I’ve already seen both of you orgasm before and I forgot to eat for twenty four hours. I think I’ll pass.” Sollux says, grabbing a banana and shoving half of it into his mouth.

            “Well, I gotta get going. John’s making me watch Con Air with him so that I can be reminded of the never maturing state of our friendship.” you say, grabbing your things and heading out the door. Sollux smacks your ass. Three-hundred and three to three-hundred and two, his favor.

* * *

 

            It’s post Con Air. You’re in your dorm room. You’ve had the strangest urge to message your brother for the past few days.

TG: yo fuckwit

TT: What’s up you cheese-eating piece of shit.

TG: nothing asshole just wanted to say thank you for raising me and what not but sorry gotta go shove some cheese up my anus

TG: a true tragedy

TG: nine eleven aint got shit on my cheese absorbing ass

TT: I don’t think I remember that last time you thanked me for raising you.

TT: I’m going to play Rose for a second and assume that you’re having some kind of nineteen year-old crises about having children due to a repressed hatred towards parents.

TG: youre really hitting the nail on the head there

TG: and i wouldnt say that unless i havent made this conversation more incognito than the last page of a wheres waldo sadist factory

TG: hey junior find waldo oh wait you cant hes been trampled by mob mentality

TT: I have raised you well.

TG: thats actually what i wanted to talk about

TG: you know how i have chill

TG: well a few days ago i had no chill

TT: I know. Sollux told me in our nightly philosophy jam session.

TT: But anyway, what you did doesn’t fully qualify as having no chill. Having no chill would be like if you drove the car directly into the Chairman Mao’s ashes and then Joseph Stalin-san’s zombie got so upset he threw you and pregnant Rose into the sun and then Father Marx’s zombie sliced Joseph Stalin-san in half for ruining his work.

TT: That would be fully losing your chill, and Rose would be hurt.

TG: well i know i dont freeze up or anything

TG: but i dont know how you and rose do it

TG: without panicking at all

TT: Well, I’ve always been more like dad.

TG: youre not like dad

TT: Despite how you don’t usually say nice things to me and despite how I just meant it in terms of personality reactions I need to make sure you know just how low he set the bar.

TG: yes i know patranizatron

TT: But just because he was a shithead doesn’t mean that all parents are.

TG: just most of them

TG: always youre smarter than dad

TT: So are you.

TG: im jealous of your intelligence sometimes

TT: That was sudden, which suggests a desire for me to take it directly.

TT: I can tell you that your intellect is well versed enough for this world and enough to die with free thought.

TT: I have to say I envy your inherent kindness.

TG: really now

TT: Just encase you haven’t noticed, people like you more than they like me.

TG: people dont like you because they cant empathize with your intelligence thats not a great reason not to like someone

TT: Just like everything, it’s more complicated than that.

TG: bro besides your conversations with me i think you hardly qualify as an asshole

TT: Questioning my intent behind my every action gets exhausting.

TG: what does your intent matter

TT: Nothing to anyone who isn’t me. But I’m expressing interest in your ability to not be a dick, without having to put thought into it.

TT: Does this make sense?

TG: no

TT: Well, let’s just say all that you and I can do in the end is help people.

TT: Either that or analyze the ethics behind our intentions until we realize our cosmic insignificance.

TG: calm down mr sipos

TT: Fine bromeo.

TT: Sollux also mentioned that you’ve been spending a lot of time with Karkat.

TG: whats your point

TT: You know that favor I asked you to do a week ago? Well, have that finished for me by end of the month or I am going to send the following text to Rose:

TT: “Dave has spending a lot of time with Karkat lately. Maybe you and Kanaya should give him a talk about the inter-species birds and bees.”

TG: you wouldnt dare

TT: I would sell you to Satan for one corn chip.

TG: britney spears wouldnt stand for this shit and neither should i

TT: To be honest, it wouldn’t be a bad thing.

TT: Knowing you, you like him for the right reasons. That’s the first step in a successful relationship. At least I think it is. I really should not be allowed to give advice on this.

TG: shut

TT: Have you been getting enough sleep?

TG: no fuck off mom

TT: You could always try caffeine.

TG: i feel like ill somehow manage to OD and die after one cup of coffee

TT: Well, just so you know, François-Marie Arouet aka the French satirical writer Voltaire drank 50 to 70 cups of coffee per day and he lived to be over eighty.

TG: voltaire what the fuck

TG: what did he even do

TT: Complained about the government, argued for the separation of church and state, heavily questioned the ethics of slavery, explored human hypocrisy, explored satirical humor, complained about Christianity.

TT: Complained about Judaism.

TT: Complained about Islam and how the Quaran ignored the laws of physics.

TT: Complained about himself for complaining too much.

TT: Was a fucking stone-cold fox.

TG: what do you mean was go fuck his ashes or something

TG: i googled him hes hot but not like phillip hamilton hot

TT: I have to go. I’ll talk to you in a few days.

TG: wait dont leave now i cant have our narly heart to heart end with me objectifying a dead guy

* * *

 

            You and Karkat ended up having another movie night on Wednesday. And another on Friday. You end up taking him to the theater on Saturday. On Tuesday, you took him to lunch and he complained that you always paid for everything. It had ended with you pointing out he was broke and another movie night. You liked watching movies with him. You usually ended up watching something stupid that you both could talk through, but he had the decency to stay quiet on the rare occasion that you actually got into something. He was more comfortable with you now, curling up into your lap and making cute noises whenever you ran a hand through his hair.

            Platonically.

            You’re still surprised by how intelligent you find him. He’s as thoughtful and articulate as he is in his writing, although his speech is usually patterned with more ‘colorful’ language. He’s surprisingly funny, and you think that he might know how unbelievably ridiculous some of the things he says in his rants when he got irritated.

            When you first started talking to him, you expected that at best he would be someone you liked to irritate, but found that he was simply someone you liked. A lot. You could go on.

            You learn that he’s about twenty two. It makes you happy that he’s not that much older than you. He talks about his family a lot and how much his parents annoy him, that he wishes it could be like the old days with a lusis. He’s so full of shit; you don’t know how many people you’ve met who seem to love their family as much as Karkat. You refrain from talking about your family, keeping your focus on music and complaining about the government.

            To your surprise, he tells you that his father was a Priest when he was still alive. You definitely didn’t spit smoothie all yourself in surprise. On the car ride home, you switched on the radio to hear _Preacher’s Son_. You turned off the radio.

            He’s un-admittedly kind-hearted. Unbelievably caring. Too empathetic for just one small, five foot four, one hundred and twenty-nine pound troll. You had taken a notice of his unspoken kindness ever since he switched seats with Sollux in the car when you were driving Rose

            You may spend a little too much time thinking about him. Terezi claimed you had developed a name dropping habit and started teasing you relentlessly.

            Three days ago you had discovered that if you left five minutes earlier on your nightly run with your dog, you would run into him from his trip to the book store.

            Well, today you literally run into him. However, you manage to maneuver yourself into a pole next to him so that you do minimal damage to his person, waking your face and one of his books out of his hand. You catch it easily before it reaches the ground, glad to have at least one redeeming moment after the shit show you just put on.

            “How can your motor skills be so good but so pain-stakingly terrible at the same time?” he asks you, wiping some dust off his shorts.

            You realize that the spring hot flash is still happening and that you’re sweating profusely from running around like a dumbass with your dog for an hour. You also notice that Karkat’s shorts are really, really short. You take a moment to think about how nice his thighs are before calling yourself out for being a pervert.

            He sticks out his hand and you realize your still holding his book. You catch the title as you pass it back to him.

            “ _Under the Fire in My Heart_?” you say, smirking like the winner you are.

            His eyes open wide and a light blush dusts across his face in what you think may just be the cutest thing you have ever witnessed. He shoves the book in his bag.

            “Dave, we literally had an internet conversation with you while you simultaneously talked about both the voting process and Flinstone’s vitamins while fucking orgasming. You don’t get to judge me for my habits.”

             “To be fair, it only happened because you messaged me while I was in the middle of jacking it. Now that I think about, you do it a lot. It’s uncanny.”

            He glances at the grin on your face. “Don’t get any ideas, asshole. I’m not so enthralled with you that I feel the need to purposely try to talk to you when you preform your daily stress release dong-chafing ritual.”

            “Yeah, I believe you.” you say. On the outside your suave as can be and on the inside you’re wondering where you can find a broom closet to flip the fuck out in, because at this point, Karkat would have to have either terrible self-esteem or terrible observational skills to not realize that you are flirting with him.

            He gives you another face. “I was going to ask if you wanted to have another movie night this Friday, but never mind.”

            “Sure.” you say “Let’s do it. It’s your pick.”

            He grins. “Nope, I said never mind. Guess I’ll just have to make other Friday night plans. Unless you wanted to ask me, for once.”

            You scowl. “Fine, you fucking vixen. Will you have movie night with me on Friday?” you ask.

            “Fine, if you’re going to beg.” He scratches your dog between the ears.

            “I forgot to ask, what’s your bark beast’s name?” he asks.

            “Her name is Wayward Vagabond.” you say, as she circles proudly around you.

            “How did you come up with that name?”

            “She gets really happy whenever I play Frank Sinatra’s _New York_ and, oh, never mind.”

            He walks back with you, carefully explaining why your tight-fitting dress-shirt with a close up of Fox Mulder’s face is stupid and also you’re stupid. He’s not wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incidently, the name 'Steven Addefornia" is an anagram for 'Fanon Dave Strider'. Will people hate me for that? Probably. Do I deserve it? Yes.


	5. Dave's word list

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just the list of words Dave has come up with since the beginning of this work.

  1. Perplexsion: _noun_ , (per-plex-shun), root word- perplex 
    1. the state of being perplexed, as in mild surprise or puzzlement
    2. wonder or curiosity



Use when— attempting to sound intelligent, dignified

 

  1. Experimentive: _adjective_ , (ex-pear-em-en-tive), root word- experiment 
    1. experimenting, creating, discovering
    2. being inventive



Use when— anytime bro it sounds like a real word

 

  1. Inhalingly: _adverb_ , (in-hail-ling-lee), root word- inhale 
    1. descriptive expression
    2. enunciation for an adjective,



Use if—impressing your friend’s roommate with the good personality and hot ass (should be prefaced by a noun for full effect)

 

  1. Scarfingly: _adverb_ , (scarf-ing-lee), root word- scarf 
    1. see ‘Inhalingly’
    2. seriously see above it means the same fucking thing I’m not about to teach you what ‘scarfing’ mean



 

  1. Assitry: _noun_ , (ass-eh-tree), root word- ass 
    1. a negative state of ridiculousness, hopelessness
    2. expression of a bullshit system (ie. capitalism)



Use when— you’ve said debauchery too many times and a new word is needed, or attempting to sound like a non-conforming juvenile

 

  1. Liefully: _adjective_ , (lie-full-ee), root word- lie 
    1. the opposite of ‘truthfully’
    2. a failure to correspond with reality



Use when— unexpected, in a humorous sense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I say Dave well I meant me.


	6. The One With The Shitpost Of A Group Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a sin too.

            It’s Thursday afternoon. You didn’t see Karkat today while you were running around like a ninja with your dog which was mildly disappointing. Well, you couldn’t have anything.

            Sollux has been helping you with your physics homework. You’re about to message his to ask him to explain trigonometry to you for the fifteenth time.

TG: yo IT support how does trigonometry work again

TA: [triigonometry explanatiion (clickable)](http://lmgtfy.com/?q=trigonometric+ratios+for+dumbasses+)

TG: uncalled for

TA: iim 2orry.

TA: iit2 not you iim ju2t really iirriitated.

TG: sollux were you on facebook again

TA: maybe

TG: sollux

TA: ok fiine ii wa2 on fuckiing facebook what do you want from me.

TA: people cant be THII2 2tupiid.

TG: what did you see this time

TA: you mean be2ide2 the miiniion meme2, people tryiing to pretentiiou2ly non-conform wiith counteriing conformiity, and people who actually beliieve that what your zodiiac 2iign ii2 change2 your per2onalliity?

TG: oh zodiac signs arent even that bad you salty piece of science loving shit

TA: the only thiing2 that determiine per2onaliity iin 2ciience are two a22hole2 called nature and nurture.

TG: i mean hypothetically zodiac signs could affect nature

TA: ii 2uppo2e quantum phy2iic2 2ay2 that iit techniically can, ju2t that iit2 extremely unlikely. iit2 va2tly more liikley that nature ii2 a 2iimple random a22ortment of neuron2 2emii-ba2ed on our parent2.

TA: not that zodiiac 2iign2 have anythiing two do wiith quantum phy2ic2. ii 2hould have 2aiid our growiing but liimiited knowledge of 2ciience.

TG: is that really how you see the world

TA: pretty much.

TG: sollux why you so salty

TA: 

TG: damn

TA: holy 2hiit.

TG: what

TA: john ju2t made a po2t about how he2 fourty percent natiive ameriican.

TG: thats some thug nasty impossible percentage

TA: ii know.

TA: iim 2o tiicked off.

TA: motherfuckiing facebook po2t bull2hiit have you 2een thii2 2hiit can you beliieve thii2 2hiit?

TA: thii2 ii2 driiviing me iin2ane.

TA: why cant ii 2top laughiing liike a maniiac?

TG: hang on im getting a chat request from karkat but ill just patch him through

(just entered)CG: DAVE MY ROOMMATE WON’T STOP LAUGHING LIKE A FUCKING MANIAC AND I’M SCARED.

CG: I HAVEN'T HEARD HIM LAUGH LIKE THIS SINCE HE LOST HIS SAVE FILE HALFWAY THROUGH DARK SOULS II.

TG: he went on facebook

CG: ALL SOLLUX FUCKING DOES ON FACEBOOK IS COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW PEOPLE ARE HANDLING THE ELECTION.

CG: IT’S REALLY ANNOYING BUT HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO OPENLY DISAGREES WITH MY BROTHER TO HIS FACE ON FACEBOOK.

TG: how much is there even for sollux to be pissed off about

TA: the fact that everytiime trump 2ay2 2omethiing riidiiculous we freak the fuck out and give hiim a ton of attentiion. iin2tead of, liike, ju2t ob2erviing the fact that he doe2nt even have any beliiefs and ii2 ju2t throwiing anythiing and everythiing at the wall to 2ee what 2tiick2. he2 a beiing that thriive2 and grow2 2tronger wiith attentiion. even now he iincrea2e2 iin power ju2t from me mentiioniing hii2 name. iit2 liike, iif ii wriite “donald trump ii2 dumb” that doe2nt do anythiing except for reiinforce the opiiniion2 of people who already agree wiith me and make people who dii2agree wiith me le22 liikely two hear what ii have two 2ay iin the future.

TG: super mario bros more like super salt bros amirite

TG: im right

CG: DAVE, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

TA: ii dont know. ii gue22 ii al2o feel liike weve 2pent 2o much tiime fiightiing about the whole berniie v2 hiilary thiing ii2 2o extreme and full of 2o much bull2hiit when our 2tratagy 2hould really ju2t be encouragiing young people two vote.

TG: holy shit sollux

TG: youre getting motherfucking controversial

TA: true. but iiit2 not liike hundred2 of people are goiing to read thii2. only you and kk and tz iin our nightly political rant 2e22iion2.

CG: SOLLUX, DO US ALL A FAVOR AND SHOVE A PIECE OF COAL RIGHT UP YOUR EXCREMENT SHUTE SO WE CAN ALL GET RICH.

TG: fuckin blang

TG: lets give it all to an orphanage before it shuts down

TG: either that or bring the band back together

TG: were on a mission from gawd

TA: whoa, HERE2 an iidea.

TG: what

TA: iif ii really want my opiiniion2 to be heard, ii 2hould ju2t liike

TA: wriite a fanfiictiion wiith a loveable, viiciiou2ly 2arca2tiic 2en2e of humor. when iit2 about two be romtiically concluded for the beloved 2hiip, iill have a 2narky and opiiniionated character drop a few of my liinguii2tiically artiiculate beliiefs. people wiill eiither thiink nothiiing of iit or hate me, but then be forced two read the re2t becau2e they got thii2 far.

CG: THAT’S THE DUMBEST, MOST PATHETICALLY OBNOXIOUS IDEA YOU’VE EVER COME UP WITH. ANYONE WHO DOES THAT IS A COMPLETE AND TOTALLY JACKASS. I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF NARCISSISTIC, STUBBORN ASSHOLE FEELS THE NEED TO DO THAT.

(just entered)GC: N1C3 R4NT AND SUBTL3 FOURTH W4LL BR34K SOLLUX

TG: yo wa22up

CG: W4SSSSSSSSSUP

TG: wasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssuuuuuup

CG: YOUR STUPIDITY OFFENDS ME.

TA: ii can empathiize wiith that feeliing.

TA: oh fuck

CG: WHAT?

TA: nothiing

TG: bromeo are you still on facebook

TA: john thiink2 he2 fourty percent natiive ameriican

GC: SOLLUX JOHN 1S DUMB WHY DO YOU C4R3

(just entered)TT: So that he doesn’t give into the call of active nihilism.

TT: Nice rant, Sollux.

(just entered)EB: terezi, you don’t get to call me dumb after that time you accidentally broke a wall with a box of toothfloss.

TA: john

TA: we need to have a talk about fractiion2

EB: what do you mean?

                        TA: (moved slightly to the right)

                        EB: (was moved slightly to the right by twinArmageddons)

TG: what just happened

TT: He went a level deeper.

                        TA: john youre not fourty percent natiive ameriican

GC: H3 TOOK JOHN OV3R US1NG TH1S SUB-CONV3RS4T1ON TH1NG H3 1NV3NT3D

                        EB: not to question your genius or anything but i think i would know better than you.

CG: WE CAN SEE SOLLUX AND JOHN’S CONVERSATION BUT THEY CAN’T SEE US. IT’S ONE OF THE MOST IDIOTIC THINGS SOLLUX HAD EVER COME UP WITH. IT’S JUST SO HE DOESN’T HAVE TO DIS- CONNECT FROM THE CONVERSATION BUT ISN’T DISTRACTED BY US TALKING.

                        TA: john fiir2t of all both of your parent2 are one hundred percent filiipiino and from the phiiliippiian2.

TG: that is incredibly confusing

                        TA: and anyway, you can only be a percentage of 2omethiing that2 a multiiple of the number2 100, 50, 25, 12.5, 6.25, 3.125, 1.5625, and so on.

CG: WHY DO I GET THE FEELING THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE PATHETICALLY DEPRESSING?

                        EB: why?

GC: NO W4Y TH1S 1S 4BOUT TO B3 TH3 B3ST P4RT OF MY D4Y

                        TA: john, what do you mean ‘why’? it2 ba2iic math.

TG: oh sollux is fighting a pointless battle

                        TA: let2 2ay that there2 are only two human2 iin the entire world. one of them i2 iitaliian and the other ii2 japane2e. they have a child.

CG: I WAS RIGHT THIS IS MIND-NUMBINGLY DEPRESSING.

                        TA: the baby would be half iitaiilan and half japane2e. are you followiing?

TT: Am I supposed to be rooting for John or Sollux? I’m having a moral delema. Which is worse? Ignorance or angry righteousness?

                        EB: yes, i get that.

TG: dirk let sollux be a dick one time you spent two and a half hours ranting to nepeta about how cats are all sociopaths

                       TA: now let2 2ay that 2omehow 2ome more people come to be and that our euro-a2iian chiild grow2 up and ha2 a kiid wiith a cuban.

TG: hey wait a minute terezi dirk how the fuck did you get here

                        EB: and so that child would be one quarter japanese, one quarter italian, and half cuban?

GC: W3LL 1 W4S 4BOUT TO M4K3 4N 4NOUNC3M3NT 4BOUT MY P4RTY TH1S W33K3ND BUT S1NCE YOUR CONV3RS4T1ON W4S OP3N 4ND 4LR3DY H4D THR33 P3OPL3 1 THOUHT ID JUST 1NV1T3 3VRYON3 3LS3 H3R3

                        TA: ye2. iif people were fourty percent certaiin ethniiciitiie2 iit would mean that our ance2tor2 would have had to have 2tarted a2 160 percent an ethniiciity.

GC: BUT ON S3COND THOUGHT IM GO1NG TO W41T UNT1LL AFT3R SOLLUX 3ITH3R BR1NGS TH3 S3RV3R B4CK TO NORM4L OR P33S H1MS3LF OUT OF 4NG3R

                        EB: why couldn’t that happen?

TG: do people pee out of anger is this a thing

                        TA: are you a2kiing me why 2omeone couldnt be 160 percent 2omethiing?

TT: I feel like Karkat only pees when he’s angry.

                        EB: yes :D

GC: K4RK4T H4SNT NOT B33N 4NGRY S1NC3 TH3 T13 1N S3V3NTH GR4D3 WH3N GAMZ33 M4N4G3D TO G3T H1M B4K3D

                        TA: JOHN NO

TG: whats baked karkat like

                        TA: you know what? thii2 wa2 2tupiid. especiially of me.

CG: AS FUCKING WITTY AND CHARMING AS EVER, TAINT-LICKER. STOP DISCUSSING MY HABITS WITH BOTH RECREATIONAL DRUG USE AND PEEING.

                        TA: (moved back)

EB: (was moved back by twinArmageddons)

TA: let2 ju2t pretend that never happened.

GC: H3Y D4V3 R3M3MB3R YOUR POT-H34D F4Z3

CG: WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?

CG: I NEED TO KNOW. FOR REASONS THAT ARE PURELY REASONABLE AND STRICTLY SCIENTIFIC.

GC: ON3 T1M3 H3 4DM1TT3D TH4T H1S 1RON1C LOV3 OF 4N1M3 H4D GROWN L3SS 1RON1C OV3R TH3 Y34RS 4ND TH4T H3 F3LT GR34T SH4M3

TG: that happened one time

TG: you know what else only happened one time

TG: the time terezi peed in the sink at seaworld

GC: D4V3 SOBB3D FOR TW3NTY M1NUT3S 4FT3R H3 F1N1SH3D M4JOR4S M4SK

CG: IF YOU GUYS ARE DONE BEING SINK-PISSING DUMBASSES I WOULD HAVE THE TIME TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU ARE USING THE WORD ‘IRONICALLY’ INCORRECTLY.

TG: what

TT: What?

GC: WH4T >:/

CG: WELL, IRONY IS OCCASIONALLY USED THE WAY YOU THREE EXPRESS IT, BUT USUALLY IT’S USED WHEN POINTING OUT A HUMOROUS COINCIDENCE.

CG: FOR EXAMPLE, THE LARRY CRAIGH SCANDLE OF A CONSERVATIVE MAN PASSIONATE ABOUT TAKING RIGHTS AWAY FROM GAY PEOPLE AND IS CAUGHT ENGAGING IN GAY SEX IN AN AIRPORT BATHROOM. THAT’S IRONIC.

CG: YOU USE IRONY TO EXPRESS MOCK INTEREST. SARCASM WOULD BE A MUCH BETTER EXPRESSION.

TA: he2 riight.

TT: Well this has gone completely fucking pair shaped.

TG: if you stand for nothing burr, what will you fall for?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

TA: 2mooth move ex lax you broke dave.

TG: if you stand for nothing burr, what will you fall for?

TT: I know how to fix this. Sollux, Terezi, I need your help.

CG: OK FINE, JUST LET ME BASK IN CONFUSION UNTIL I FUCKING DIE, ASSHOLES.

TG: IF YOU STAND FOR NOTHING BURR, WHAT WILL YOU FALL FOR?

TT: Ooh.

TT: Who are you?

TA: who are you?

GC: WHO 4R3 YOU

TT: Ooh, who is

TA: thii2 kiid?

GC: WH4TS H3 GONN4 DO

EB: you guys know i’m still here, right?

TG:

TT: I’m so proud.

CG: *FUCK*

CG: FUCK YOU DAVE!

CG: FUCK ALL OF Y'ALL WITH A FUCKING FUCK MADE OF THE JUICE HARVESTED FROM THE FUCKING CHAMPIONS OF FUCKING!

CG: FUCK ME!

TA: now karkat2 the one who2 laughiing liike a maniiac.

GC: K4RK4T

GC: DONT P4N1C

CG: I’LL PANIC AS MUCH AS I DAMN WELL PLEASE! IT’S,

CG: MOSTLY HARMLESS.

TA: are you guy2 2eriio2ly refereciing my favoriite book wiithout me?

TA: you know what, iim leaviing.

TG: so long and thanks for all the fish

TA: 2o long and thank2 for all the fii2h.

TA: GODDAMN IT DAVE II WANTED TWO 2AY IIT FIIR2T!

EB: what is this from?

GC: H1TCHH1CK3RS GU1D3 JOHN YOU WOULD KNOW 1F YOU 3V3R OP3N3D 4 BOOK TH4T W4SNT 4BOUT MAGIC14NS OR WH4T3V3R TH3 H3LL YOU L1K3 

GC: 4LSO 1M 4BOUT TO 1NV1T3 4 BUNCH OF P3OPL3 1NTO TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON

TG: guys

TG: we should have a reference party

TG: lets go as many quotes as we can fit in

GC: 1S 4 M4N NOT 1NT1TL3D TO TH3 SW34T OF H1S BROW -4NDR3W RY4N, B1OSHOCK

TA: welcome to moon2iide. –random ciitiizen, earthbound

CG: THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE NEVER DID RUN SMOOTH. –WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM

TT: And hence nothing remained, except for our regrets. –The Judge, OFF

TG: i cant believe that worked

(just entered)AA: because i could not stop for death he kindly stopped for me –emily dickinson, 479

AA: did i do it right

TA: ye2.

(just entered)CC: -Experience is the teac)(er of all things. –Ceasar

GC: 1 GU3SS YOU C4N R3F3R3NC3 R34L L1F3

(just entered)CA: you fool! you fell vvictim to one of the classic blunders the most famous of which is ‘nevver get invvolvved in a land wwar in asia’ but only slightly less well-known is this ‘never go in against a sicilian wwhen death is on the line’ –vvizzini, princess bride

TA: ok now were gettiing 2eriiou2 ii want two cho2e a better quote.

TA: iive 2een you wiithout your clothe2 on before, never thought iid 2ee you naked –malcom renald2, whiile watchiing a 2eriial kiiller black wiidow cry

TG: from now we are enemies... you and i because you choose for your instrument a boastful, lustful, smutty, infantile boy and give me for reward only to recognize the incarnation. because you are unjust, unfair, unkind, i will block you i swear it i will hinder and harm your creature as far as i am able. i will ruin your incarnation –antonio salieri, amadeus

GC: HOLY SH1T D4V3

CG: WOW I DIDN’T KNOW DAVE HAD ANY TASTE.

(just entered)AC: :33 < *references love actually*>

TT: Now there’s some juxtaposition.

AC: :33 <*senses the passive-aggression in your tone and ponders on how much hypocrisy you must omit for chastising your sister for the same passive-aggressive tone*>

TT: Fucking shot Nepeta you’re totally right. I’m an asshole. Also I like you now.

(just entered)GA: I Am The Milk Man My Milk Is Delicious –The Milk Man, Phyconauts

TA: that wa2 unexpected.

(just entered)GG: The oldest and strongest emotion of humanoidkind is fear. And the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. –HP Lovecraft

TA: that wa2 expected.

(just entered)CT: D --> I will refrain from this activity

CT: D --> Actually, I will refrain from this entire conversation in general

(just left)CT: D --> Terezi, please send me the details privately

AA: i dont think that was a reference

TA: you know iim really glad thii2 ii2 real liife.

TT: What do you mean?

TA:  well iif 2omehow thii2 wa2 a fiictiional conver2atiion iit would take the wriiter an extremely long tiime two code.

(just entered and then left)TC: WhAt’S a GoD tO a NoN bElIeVeR?

GC: 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T W4S 4 R3F3R3NC3 31TH3R

CG: I DON’T THINK ANY OF US WILL EVER KNOW WHAT THAT FUCKING WAS AND GOG KNOWS THAT I DON’T HATE MYSELF QUITE ENOUGH TO GO AS FAR AS TRY.

GC: 1 D1DNT EVEN 3NT1VT3 H1M

GC: W41T WH4T D1D SOLLUX JUST S4Y

TG: did you invite everyone to the conversation yet

GC: 4LMOST

TT: I just thought I should mention that I’n not actually coming. I was just bored and wanted to be annoying.

(just entered)AT: iVE NEVER ACTULLY REFERNCED ANYTHING THAT WASN’T PUPA PAN,

(just entered)GG: put the bunny back in the box –Nic Cage, that movie Nic Cage was in :D

GC: OK GR34T 3V3RYON3S H3R3 L3T M3 JUST S3ND OUT TH3 D3T41LS TO MY P4RTY

TA: do iit fa2t my 2erver i2 gettiing really un2table

EB: wait, i didnt get to make a reference!

AA: terezi let john make a reference

EB: imam firin’ mai lazars!

           SHUT             OHN *SHUT*                                   shut  Shut   GCCCCCC whats going on A: my 2erver ii2 cra2hiing two many people are telliing john to shut up.             shut1 THOUGHT YOUR S3RV3R                                    W4S TH3 B3ST 1N TH3 ST4TE             TAAAAAA: iit ii2 unle22                         2omeone ii2 u2iing wiindow2 viisa eriidan ii know iit2 you.

 

           You decide that’s probably your queue to get off the internet soon. Terezi sends you plans to her party privately. John gets home at one am and yells at you for not going to sleep. You decide you should probably at least attempt sleep before you develop narcolepsy.

* * *

 

            It’s Friday morning. You’re sitting in English class. You worry that the lack of sleep you’ve gotten over the last four years is finally starting to catch up with you. You actually nod off for a few seconds in your class. One of the perks of wearing sunglasses indoors.

            You and Karkat are having another movie night tonight, so you have that to look forward to. You make a note to drink some coffee later so you don’t doze off in the middle of hanging ten with him. You suddenly realize that you’ve just dozed off now.

            You open your eyes to see that everyone else in the room is gone expect for a blurry troll. He’s looking at you with what you think is concern. You come to the realization that it’s Sollux, so you stand up and smack him on the ass to bring the score to three-hundred and three to three-hundred and three.

            Sollux’s ass is slightly bigger than you remember it being. Sollux also seems to be about four inches shorter than the last time you saw him. Sollux also seemed to have lost two of his horns.

            You’ve never found Sollux particularly unattractive, but for some reason he currently looks a little foxier than you remembered him being. You don’t remember Sollux having a slight curve to his waste, and thighs that were this nice. Now that you think about it, Sollux currently looks a lot like Karkat.

            Sollux also sounds like Karkat too. He’s yelling at you. Your hearing is fuzzy, and you can’t quite make it out.

            You have the sudden realization that you are muttering all of this incomprehensibly out loud and falling forwards.

            “Huh”. you say as you black out.

* * *

 

            You’re on a couch. Well, you’re on a couch that’s been pulled out into a bed. Without even opening your eyes you can feel that your sunglasses have been removed, as well as your pants and shoes. You’re completely cosnoodled in blankets and you think a cat might be sleeping on your head. Your arms are wrapped around something fluffy that you think might be another cat. You decide not to think about it as you feel yourself losing consciousness again.

            You open your eyes a bit what you think is a few hours later, after hearing a door close. Your arms are wrapped around something which you see to be Sollux. Actual Sollux, not blurry Karkat Sollux. He’s having some kind of nerd party on his laptop. You curse yourself for natural clinginess and try to make out the talking around you.

            “… _said that?_ ”

            “ _…muttered about how you had a hotter ass than he remembered…fell over…”_

“ _…don’t think that’s what he meant by_ …”

            “ _…should shove a can in your talk-jammer._ ”

            “… _I ship it.”_

“ _…fuck you…you eat Eridan’s… don’t get to judge…_ ”

            You close your eyes again.

            You slip in and out of dreams. You experience the normal selection of nightmares, but you’re currently too tired to even care. Your brain is throwing every trick in the book at you to make you afraid, flashing you a man with an axe, the vastly incomprehensibly affairs of the universe until nihilism is forced to flood your soul, an image of you dying and god sending you to hell because he doesn’t approve of all your dank memes; you could go on. God is a giant puppet for some reason. You make a mental note to never tell Rose about this.

            You suppose that the anticipation of dreaming might be what has been keeping you from sleeping. You would have thought you’d have gotten more used to it by now.

            The words of _Hotel California_ are echoing in your brain as your mind eye sends you through darkened alleys. You tell it to shut up. Heroin addiction is not something you fear, nor is eating Satan alive with a bunch of assholes. You make a note to later call up _The Eagles_ and tell them they’re overrated.

            A jolt and you find that your eyes are open. It’s dark, but you can make out just enough to tell that you’re still in Karkat’s room. You’re on your back. You can hear words, but they have no meaning. They’re past the point of incomprehensible, probably because they come from your own mind which is currently too inebriated to construct anything comprehensive. You find yourself unable to move anything but your eyes, struggling to overcome sleep paralysis and move your arms.

            You also notice that your arms are now empty, lacking a cat or a troll or ever a fucking pillow.

            You’ve had sleep paralysis before. It used to happen constantly. Why are you so afraid?

            You can sense something next to you, the hallucination that often comes with sleep paralysis. You can’t completely make it out, but you do attempt to tell it that its knife-taped-to-a-sword is some ridiculous overcompensation. However, your attempts are thwarted as you realize you can’t open your wisecracking mouth. It’s what your sister always wanted. You should call her up and tell her that you currently can’t speak.

            You’re running out of ways to distract yourself. You attempt moving your eyes around in a panic. There’s a terrible feeling in your chest and you are not looking forwards to waiting this one out. There’s not even a change of your dog sensing your fear and waking you up.

            A wave of surprise washes over you as you hear some stirring and what you think is an actual voice. You hear something that sounds like your name. You make an attempt to reply, but you can’t. You feel your head move a bit as someone sits down on the empty space next to your head.

            You finally manage to let out a gasp as hands card their way through your hair. You can finally move your arms, and you chose to use your new-found arm free-will to wrap them around the being that just woke you half up. To your happiness, you feel your head being lifted and placed in a lap that you recognize to be Karkat’s. His hands are still running through your hair, trailing behind your ears.

            After a few minutes of your own personal heaven, your breathing starts to return to normal. You feel Karkat’s hand retract from your hair and your head is being removed carefully from his lap.

            You hate yourself for making a noise of distress at this. No Dave, don’t be weird.

            You attempt to unwind your arms from his waist while you feel shuffling next to you. Crap, is he actually going to-

            “Do you want me to, uh?” he asks.

            You tighten your grip, hoping he can read between the lines and that he never tells anyone about you freaking the fuck in your sleep in his living room.

            The blankets unwind around you, and you are momentarily disappointed and cold until you feel him climb under. You shift yourself a little so that you’re completely on your back, and move your arms a bit so they’re resting in a more comfortable position on his waist. His head falls on your chest and he curls his body up so that his knee is shifted over yours. He mutters a bit about how much of an asshole you are.

            His shirt is so soft. It’s your last thought before drifting off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering if this chapter was hard to code, it was.


	7. The One Where I Sold Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains the last half of the conversation with Dirk in chapter 2 because I hate it when things make sense.

            Karkat isn’t in your arms anymore when you wake up. You shake both the disappointment and relief of not having to awkwardly wake him up off your shoulders. Daylight is seeping through windows, and you see Sollux, who has resumed his nerd party on his lap-top. You figure that this is Friday morning, and you realize that you must have missed movie night with Karkat. You just hope John walked your dog when he got home and saw you weren’t there.

            You don’t remember the last time you had to pee as badly you do right now and decide that finding a bathroom should be your number one side quest. Your main quest will be hiding the massive case of morning-wood from Karkat.

            However, Sollux is the only one currently in the room besides you. You stand with minor difficulty, attempting to get out of bed with as much dignity as possible after slapping the wrong friend’s ass and passing out on the floor and then having a nightmare.

            He barely even looks up, only taking his eyes off his laptop screen long enough to point you to your pants, the shower, and laugh at before mentioned massive boner. Whatever. You wear it with pride and he fucking knows it. He informs you that he told John where you were and that John fed Wayward Vagabond.

            You’re glad that their shower is the same as the one in your dorm room, because having to call Karkat for water help would have been about the only thing more humiliating than the events that have already played out.  

            Your first order of showering business is to wash out your mouth before your saliva burns a hole through your cheek. You do this with half a bottle of mouth wash. You leave an IOU.

            There’s a large number of hair products in the shower basket. You assume most of them are Karkat’s recognizing the sent and the fact that Sollux hasn’t put anything in his hair but soap and dirt since ‘nam.

            The water feels amazing against your skin, and you feel a strange feeling in your chest. Like, you actually got more than four hours of sleep kind of feeling.

            You eventually leave the shower, as Karkat has already done enough for you and you really don’t want to cut into his hot water. You rap a towel around your waist and hear a knock at the bathroom door.

            You open the door to Karkat, who’s currently holding your pants out for you and looking anywhere but your eyes and your half naked wet body. He’s basically looked to the dead left of you and has a similar blush to when you found his collection of romance novels.

            You take your pants from his arms. There’s an awkward pause before you say something.

            “I’m sorr-“

            “It’s alright.” he says, still not looking at you.

            “Thank you.”

            He looks a little off guard and you wonder if he has a difficulty looking at you when you’re not wearing your glasses. But he finally lets out a cute little sigh and stops looking like a deer in her parents’ divorce court.

            “Don’t worry about it. If you don’t tell anyone about the time I feel asleep at a restaurant and you carried me home, I won’t tell anyone about this.” He smiles and you are incredibly relived.

            “Karkat, that’s some motherfucking great exchange of good and service.” you say.

            He turns around so you can put on your underwear. “By the way, you’re still not off the hook for slapping my butt. I don’t care if you and Sollux have some stupid infantile ass-debauchery contest.”

            You slide on your jeans, wishing for once that they were looser. So what if they made your ass look sexier than Jeff Goldblume walking seductively up to a pile of dinosaur shit. Your nads hurt.

            “Hey, sorry for missing move night. Also, what time is it?” you ask.

            “It’s five in the afternoon. You slept for a day. Terezi’s party is in about three hours. If you’re done being a passed out asshole we could watch whatever you wanted to watch now.”

            You comply. You let Karkat pick the movie, and he goes with _The Princess Bride_ because he has taste.

            Hey doesn’t even bother to slowly inch towards curling into your lap this time, just immediately leaning back and resting his head on your shoulder. You move your arm around his shoulder, guessing that all of his shame is gone after you spent an entire night practically glued to him.

            You two talk less throughout the movie than usually. He has no snarky comments to make, only piping up to exclaim the movie’s near perfection. You have to agree. You notice his cute little reactions to things, and you think he might have even gotten somewhat invested in the vanilla love story. You are thoroughly charmed.

            After the movie is over, you wait in anticipation for his traditional over-analyzation. Also, that was a funky rhyme and you need to write it down.

            “Analysis, Kitkat. Go.” you say.

            He thinks for a solid minute before speaking. “Well, I feel like this movie is what happens when a ridicules plot and a shallow, cliché story meet brilliant writers. The juxtaposition of a stereotypical damsel in distress with some of the most intelligent and creative dialog ever creates a sort of campy, overdramatic atmosphere that is just, so, fucking well done. This isn’t really an analysis.” he admits.

            “Well, you fucking tried. That’s what counts. At least, that’s what Winnie the Serial Killer always taught us as young, impressionably children. So what if it was a great message? Fuck the actual useful aspects of mob mentality. Anyway, your rambling praise still sounds intelligent, verses the reviews I usually see in comment threads that sound kind of like if somebody put fucking Ron Swanson in a blender and shat out-“

            “Dave, what in the name of the father, son, and the holy shit are you talking about?” he says. You can’t help but laugh at that. So does he.

* * *

 

John is driving you to Terezi’s beach party. It’s mid-eighties, so you were once again forced to wear those tight red straight boy shorts that cut off at the knee. Wayward Vagabond is in the back. She’s currently sticking her head out the window like the happy and free-from-paying-taxes-freeloader she is.

            John pulls up into the parking lot. You have not gotten out of the car yet and there is already sand in your shoes and probably underwear. John cracks the window and sand immediately finds its way into your closed mouth.

            “Are you ready?” asks John, opening the car door.

            “Ready to rock and roll.” you answer, pulling out the extra pair of sunglasses you keep in the glove compartment at all times and putting them over your normal ones. John bursts out laughing, just like he’s done the last twenty times you’ve done that.

            You get out of the car. You are immediately sunburned.

            Karkat and Terezi are in the parking stop next to you, sitting on Feferi’s car eating ice-cream cones. Terezi jumps down.

            “Dave, thanks for coming. You smell like mouthwash and shame.” she says.

            “I want a divorce.” you say.

            “I would take everything you own Dave, you wouldn’t last a second in court.”

            Karkat jumps down to join you. You swear that his shorts have been gradually getting shorter over the time you’ve known him. You direct your attention instead to his cute little crab pattern tee-shirt. You remind yourself that people aren’t focus and Karkat has flaws and over-cute-ifying him is bad for a relationship. You go back to thinking about his shorts and feel like a perv. Now you’re thinking about the plot of _Mass Effect_.

            “Did you not hear me?” he asks you. You were apparently to busy being weird to hear him.

            “Sorry. What was that, Kattyshack?” you say, like the stone cold bastard you are.

            “I say, ‘Hey fucknuts, what are you two assholes talking about?’”

            “We’re married.” Terezi says.

            Karkat’s face twists into disbelief and some other emotions you can’t place.

            “For the ass benefits.” you say “I mean tax benefits.”

            Thanks mouth, you think

            _You’re welcome._

            Karkat has stopped looking confused and mildly upset and now just gives you a face that you’ve come to know means ‘Dave is stupid’.

            “You guys fought anti-interspecies-marriage propaganda and hate for tax benefits?” he asks.

            “Yeah.” says Terezi “Also so we can threaten to divorce each other.”

            Karkat rubs his temple. “That is the dumbest, most unbelievab-“

            “Nice. Aradia and I were thinking about doing that too.” says Sollux, walking up to you and your band of assholes in his Spock-themed shorts. Aradia follows him, wearing a sweater that looks way too warm to be wearing in this weather.

            “Will you guys tell Aradia she looks fine and can take off that stupid sweater?” asks Sollux, looking back at Aradia.

            “You look fucking fine.” says Karkat.

            “You look finer than dining and wineing, yo.” you say, still mildly distracted by the thought of how short Karkat’s underwear must be under shorts that short. Dave, stop. Stop thinking.

            “I’m blind.” says Terezi.

            “AA, nobody cares if you’re a plus size. Wear the fucking crop top.” Sollux says, un-strategically making his point.

            “Yeah, you look fine.” you say as Aradia takes off your sweatshirt “Do you really want to be skinny, like Terezi? She looks like a fucking skeleton.”

            Terezi smacks you in the head with your purse. You rub the back of your head and let your dog out of your car. She barrels towards Aradia.

            “Dave! You brought Wayward Vagabond!” says Aradia, petting your dog with more love than you knew a person could conjure.

            “See, Aradia? WV thinks you look great in a crop top. And a bark beast’s opinion should be valued over everyone else’s.” says Sollux. Aradia does look damn good. At least now your mind is finally off of Karkat’s butt.

            Over the next hour, everyone takes runs petting your dog. Even Eridan pets her; an action that he’s always claimed in the past would give him ‘poor people fleas’. You had somehow ended up winning a game of beach volleyball with Kanaya, who then has to immediately leave to go do mom stuff. Terezi stands off to the side, drooling over Aradia. You have to give her credit; it’s probably harder to droll over people when you can’t see them.

            Karkat had asked if you wanted to go on a walk. You two had wondered off into the beach ~~private property~~ wilderness. You had found a rhododendron. You presented it to Karkat, honoring the human tradition of presenting a wanted mate with a piece of worthless dying garbage that they had to carry around. Karkat blushed a little and then ate the flower out of confusion. Now you were currently tromping around with him through the forest, discussing Karkat’s hatred of a Tumblr post he had seen a seven months ago and still hated to this day.

            “I keep seeing all these posts saying shit like ‘Oh, the rich wants the poor to die’ and it’s starting to annoy me. No, rich people don’t want poor people to die. A lot of them just don’t care if we die. I’m pretty fucking sure that rich white human guys just want poor people to stay poor and make their clothes and don’t give a rats fucking ass what happens to everyone else. Although cowardice and apathy and greed might be part of what it means to be an intelligent life form, that doesn’t mean people wish harm on others for no cock-nailing reason. There would be no self-gain for rich people if we died. It would actually negatively impact them.” Karkat says as you two walk over a log _Calvin and Hobbes_ style.

            “You don’t think that people ever want other people to get fucked over for no reason?”

            “Well, most people have a few sadistic thoughts but most of us don’t actually wish death on people without at least some reason. Maybe Dick Cheney does.”

            You laugh a bit. “True. Have I ever mentioned that I find your salty nitpicking to be-“ You turn around as he stumbles a little, catching him as he almost falls off the log. You pick him up and place him carefully at the solid ground.

            “Dave. I had that. Stop being a knight.” he says.

            “I’m sure you did. But I didn’t ask for overprotective reflexes.” you say as you stumble a little, juxtaposing your actions with your statement. Karkat puts a hand on your chest to keep you from embarrassing yourself more than you already have.

            “Point taken.” you say. You take the lead this time, deciding that Karkat’s butt is probably distracting you because apparently you’re fourteen again. Maybe this way he’ll get distracted buy your butt.

            You hear him giggling.

            “Dave?” he asks.

            “What’s up.”

            “Why are you wearing a thong?”

            You freeze. You would usually say something like ‘because it’s cool’ but you don’t think you can find any way to put a suave spin on this.

            “It’s what all the cool kids are doing now.” you say, smooth as Bill Clinton on steroids.

            “Dave. Shut the fuck up. You are not going to fucking weasel your way out of this shit storm.”

            You decide to be honest. You pull out your phone and show Karkat the rest of the conversation you had with Dirk a few weeks ago.

            “What’s this?” he asks like a normal human being that’s just been handed a phone in response to the question ‘why are you wearing women’s underwear’.

            “Just read it.”

TT: So anyway I need a favor.

TT: And you know how much you love helping me with my problems.

TG: i mean i get that you pay for my tuition and basically raised me but no

TT: So you know how I sell my used panties online?

TG: (seen at 4:34 pm)

TT: Predictable behavior.

TG: dude out of all the trans men ive met you are the most secure in your masculinity or femininity or whatever

TG: point is what the fuck

TG: i hate to break it to you but there are other conversation starters other than ‘oh hey bro i wear panties and sell them to forty year-old business men on the internet how you been’

TT: You don’t ever know what I’m asking you to do yet.

TG: im letting my imagination run rampant

TG: oh wait never mind ill let that train of thought run off the rails

TG: what are you asking me to do

TT: Someone placed an order for more than I actually have.

TG: what does that have to do with me

TG: if you want me to get terezi to sell her panties talk to her

TG: im not interested in being your goddamn middle man

TT: I wasn’t trying to get her to do it.

TG: (seen at 4:39 pm, has a fucking hunch as to what youre on about and thinks youre icky)

TT: I’ll pay you.

TG: no

TT: I’ll pay you a lot.

TG: why the fuck do you want me to do this

TT: Returning costumer and you smell like me.

TG: (seen at 4:40 pm, left to go vomit)

TT: Shame is for the weak.

TG: if its so important to you have rose do it

TT: [(clickable)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qnd-hdmgfk)

TG: go fuck off and sing daisy duke or some shit im not wearing panties

TT: Bromeo, Rose is eight months pregnant.

TG: so what pretty sure she can put on a neon green and pink thong

TT: She’s too fuckin fat.

TG: shes not that fat

TT: I weigh one hundred and twenty pounds.

TG: do you eat

TT: Do you sleep?

TG: touché

TG: why is rose having another baby havent she and kanaya already adopted a child and seven dogs by now

TT: Apparently she wants to get her DNA out into the world.

TT: I know that you’re terrified of parenting, but you’re nineteen. You don’t have to worry about that for a while.

TG: thanks bud

TG: but back to the topic at a very disgusting hand

TG: there is nothing in the world i can think of that will convince me to spend two or three weeks in womens underwear

TT: Fourteen hundred dollars.

TG: done and done lets wear some fucking panties

TG: how rich is this guy

TT: He found the free market on steroids so he stuck his dick in it.

            Karkat looks at you. Then He looks at your phone. Then he looks back at you.

            “Dave.”

            “Yes?”

            “You’re,” he starts, stopping himself.

            “I’m listening.”

            “You’re, that’s, this. I can’t,” he starts again, sighing dramatically.

            Then he bursts out laughing. You have to admit that you’re relived. And as humiliating as this may be, you made him laugh. That’s a good feeling. Also, Karkat has witnessed some of the more embarrassing moments of your life and he’s still here. You smile. You’ve been doing that a lot lately.

            He grabs your arm and leads you across the tundra.

            “Yo, bromeo, where are you taking me?” you ask.

            He points to a grassy patch on the ground about fifty feet away. He mutters angrily under his breath for the entire twenty second walk.

            You sit down, positioning yourself in a comfortable position on the grass. Karkat sits with his back to you, his head resting against yours. You can feel the tips of one of his horns poking into your hair. It’s overwhelmingly pleasant. Kind of like Karkat.

            He lets one of his hands rest on top of yours. Well, this is your chance. Tell him you like him. If you don’t do it, you’re going to spend the rest of your friendship in constant torment. Then again, if you do tell him, there’s a chance you could suffer minor embarrassment. Ok, you’ll tell him later. There you go Dave, put it off until you die. At least you’re not facing him. It’s already hard enough to fight the overwhelming desire to kiss him.

            “Dave?” he asks.

            “Yes?”

            “How come you never used to talk to me?’

            “What do you mean?”

            He pauses a little. “I saw you every weekend in my dorm room for almost two years and you never said anything to me.”

            To be honest, you had never really noticed him. You kind of thought of him as a pair of horns that you occasionally saw peeking out from behind door frames. Also you thought he was the most annoying person you had ever met, but you probably shouldn’t tell him that.

            “I guess I just never got the chance to stumble upon your swearing, intuitive, pretty mouth.” Did you seriously just say that? “Besides, we talked once.”

            “Yeah. You asked me if you could borrow five dollars and then you you never paid me the fuck back.”

            You hand him five dollars of thong money.

            “You know, you could have just asked me.” you say.

            There’s another pause. “I guess I just found you, intimidating?” he admits.

            “Do you still find me intimidating?”

            He blurts out a no and you can feel him shake with silent laughter.

            “How the fuck would you find me, an avid follower of Britney Spears, intimidating?”

            You feel a little sigh go through him. “I may have thought you were-“

            Your phone goes off. You’re glad that you can now subject Karkat to your ringtone, an unedited, straight from the _Back To The Future_ sound track, _Power Of Love_. It’s Terezi. Tells you to get our ass back to the beach. You help Karkat up while he makes fun of your taste in music.

            “Oh, hey, Marty McFly for a white guy is over here breaking some new grounds with his movie references.” he mocks.

            “Hey, witmister, I’m half Puerto Rican. That means I get to be free from both racism and white guilt for the rest of my life.” you say, knowing that's not how it works.

            Karkat looks confused. “Wait a minute, isn’t Rose Indian?”

            “Yeah, why?”

            “And Dirk is Cuban?”

            “Yeah. Again, why?

            He raises an eyebrow. “Don’t humans get their ethnicities from their paren-“

            “Don’t worry about it.” you say, shit-eating grin plastered to your face.

            “Dave, I think you were all adop-“

            “Don’t worry about it.” you say again, stupid smile still on your face.

            “Gog, you’re a shit-eating piece of shit.” He grabs your hand when you get back to the river bay, so that you can cross more safely and remind you of your stupid infatuation.

            You and Karkat have an intuitive discussion about the differences between not understanding shitty things that happen in the world, and just thinking that they’re dumb but having a basic understanding of humanoid nature. Then you strike up a conversation about dildos and he threatens to shove a pine cone up your asshole.

            Terezi greets you back at the beach with a mildly-terrifying grin on her face.

            “Oh no, hold on to your butts.” you say to her “You’ve got something planned.”

            “Sure do.” she says, leading both of you over to a circle.”

            “Seriously, Terezi, what’s going on? This isn’t another one of your fucking Wall Street murder plans, is it?’ asks Karkat.

            “Nope. I decided that we’re going to play a game. And since it’s my party and everyone seems to be somewhat afraid of me, they’ve all agreed.”

            You look at the circle of people Terezi invited. They’re all sitting down and complaining loudly.

            “Fuck, Terezi, they look like you’re forcing them to play spin the bottle or some other ‘hey let’s act like twelve year olds who don’t know how to talk to each other also we’re all wearing Nike shirts’ games.” you say. You’re joking, of course. Spin the bottle only happened in the plots of terrible fanfictions after the writer obviously ran out of ideas.

            “Congratulations Dave, you guessed it. Now sit the fuck down.” she says.

            You laugh. “I’m not going to fall for our pesky peer pressure. I’m going to go over here and be my own man. Winners never drugs.”

            Terezi pulls out a BB gun. “Sit down or I’ll shoot this up your main street.”

            You sit down. This still feels like the plot of a terrible fanfic. You call the hypothetical author a sellout.

            Karkat sits down next to you, grumbling nonsensically about how dumb this is. Your dog gets on your other side. She attempts to push you into Karkat.

            Terezi places a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Sollux complains that hand sanitizer is ruining our immune systems. Terezi replaced it with a still-full bottle of vodka. Sollux stops complaining.

            You watch as Terezi makes John go first. He gets Jade. Not wanting to kiss his sister, he spins again. He gets Jade. He spins again. He gets you,

            John raises his hand. “Can I please be excused for the rest of my life?”

            “Yes, John. We all know you’re not a homosexual.” says Karkat.

            “John, if you don’t kiss anyone you have to wear this dunce cap.” says Terezi, placing a white cone hat on John’s head that reads ‘1 4M NO FUN’.

You’re mildly ticked off that John would rather wear that hat than kiss you.

            You watch as Nepeta kisses Feferi. Karkat hands you a quick doodle of a cat with Nepeta’s horns violently devouring a fish with Feferi’s likeness. You snort.

            Terezi gets Aradia. She attempts to kiss her and accidently kisses you instead. You don’t have the heart to tell her and neither does Aradia.

            Sollux complains loudly when it’s his turn. He grins when the bottle lands on you.

            “Yes!” he shouts, pumping his fist in the air. “Someone my social anxiety can handle!”

            He positions himself in your lap, leading you into the most overly-comical and ridiculous make-out session of your life.

            “Dude.” he says.

            “Bro.” you say.

            “Dudebro.” he says, unable to contain his laughter at this point. Your friends start throwing pocket sand until you stop.

            “Dave.” says Terezi “If you’re done being weird to spite me, it’s your turn.”

            You mutter something about a divorce court and reality TV while you spin the vodka bottle. It’s not particularly easy to spin. You remind yourself that because this is real life and not fiction, there’s only an extremely small chance it will land on Karkat.

            It lands on Karkat. Of fucking course.

            “The discount bottle of regret has spoken.” you say to him.

            You’re about to mention that he really doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to when he sighs dramatically and lifts up your chin. He presses his mouth to yours and you have to remind yourself not to cup the sides of his face or think about how incredibly soft his lips are.

            He pulls away after a second or two. Everyone is looking at you. You have to say something before it gets weird.

            So you take your shades off. “Whoops, you’re gay now.” you say as you raise your eyebrows.

            John blurts out laughing, followed by everyone else. Nice save, Dave.

            Karkat looks at you with a mix of annoyance and what you think might just be the tiniest hint of a smile.

            ‘ _Sorry._ ’ you mouth.

            ‘ _It’s fine, fucknuts._ ’ he mouths back.

            To your horror, you’re actually having to make an effort not to blush. You’re Dave Strider, not some fucking yandere murderer school girl. You put on your shades. Now the blood is threatening to flow somewhere even worse. You need to create a distraction.

            You give Terezi a look. She can’t see. You give John a look. He’s too stupid to understand what you’re doing. You give Sollux a look.

            ‘ _Help._ ’ you ask with your eyes.

            ‘ _If you give me money._ ’ he mouths.

            You pull out two fifties and drop them slyly in his lap. He looks at you with disbelief. You gave him so much partly because you really need a distraction, and partly to make sure that Sollux doesn’t die of wallet implosion.

            “I’m spinning again.” says Sollux. He turns the bottle. You notice the tiny bit of red and blue light cheating his way to his planned distraction.

            “You don’t get to go twi-“

            “Too late!” he yells as it stops on Eridan. He opens the bottle and drinks.

            He closes the bottle. “What?” he asks, mockingly “Sollux and Eridan? But they hate each other! Whaauat?” He grabs the sides of Eridan’s face and pulls him in to the most passionate kiss you’ve ever seen. Aradia gives John an ‘I told you.’. He sighs and hands her five bucks.

            Terezi is forced to end her game of spin he bottle as people are laughing too hard. At least it was fun while it lasted. You didn’t expect your first kiss with Karkat to be in a large group of friends. You weren’t sure you were even going to ever get a chance to kiss him. You make an agreement to tell him you like him before this night is over.

            You suddenly realize that the night is over. It’s twelve pm. It’s literally morning at this point. People are saying their goodbyes to Terezi as they drive off.

            Terezi hugs you goodbye. She’s made plans to stay with Aradia and doesn’t exactly kick you out so she can have a date. At least not exactly.

            Karkat also hugs you goodbye, but in a more complainy, angry way.

            You briefly consider making plans with him but then decide that you’ve probably bothered him enough over the last two days. Maybe you left something at his house. And then you’ll have an excuse to go get it tomorrow or something stupid like that. Then you’ll tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't sue me.


	8. The One With Sex and Without Joseph Stalin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote smut for this chapter and for some reason it felt like the Medic from TF2 was watching me and judging me.
> 
> Actually don't judge me, judge my friend who encouraged me to write this. And all my other friends who did a great job not knowing about it because I didn't tell them.

            It’s Sunday night. You slept ok last night. Not great, but you had started making sure you at least got six hours of sleep so that you wouldn’t have to have a repeat of last time.

            Admittedly, it is harder to sleep without Karkat.

            You wish you had accidently left your pants at his house as an excuse to go back there.

            You’ve got a message.

CG: DAVE YOU LEFT A FUCKING THONG AT MY HOUSE.

CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOWN HOW YOU MANAGED THAT. I MEAN, I TOOK YOUR PANTS OFF AND YOU WEREN’T WEARING IT, WHICH SUGGESTS THAT YOU JUST HAD AN EXTRA THONG ON YOU.

TG: so thats how my pants ended up not on me

TG: tell me about it

TG: tell me about your emotions around this

CG: IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE AN INFANTILE ASSFUCK WITH A LEAGUE OF LEGENDS ACCOUNT, I WILL REMIND YOU THAT I JUST DID IT TO MAKE YOU COMFORTABLE AND IN CASE YOU URINATED ON YOURSELF.

TG: hot

CG: NO, DAVE.

TG: just tell me how sexy i looked

TG: after forgetting to sleep

TG: not eating enough

TG: i probably had dirt in my hair

TG: youre into that right

CG: WILL YOU SHUT UP AND COME GET YOUR THONG BEFORE IT BURNS A HOLE THOUGH MY GOGDAMN TABLE?

TG: sure short stack ill be there in about an hour

            You shower. And eat. And brush your teeth. And put on actual men’s underwear. You go for the grey tight pants and red shirt combo that he’s seen you in a million times. So what. You look great. You’ve still got about a half hour to burn. So you answer your chat request from twinArmgeddons and grimAuxiliatrix, instead of staring at the wall and pretending to be cool.

TA: thii2 ii2 an iiterventiion.

GA: I Though You Expressed A Desire To Ease Him Into It

(just entered)TA: well ii guess ii went and changed my miind then.

TG: whats up fucknuts

TA: were here two talk two you about karkat.

TA: iit would 2ave u2 a lot of tiime iif you 2kiiped the part were you pretend that you dont want hiim naked and iin your bed.

TG: ok fine i want him naked and in my bed

GA: And For How Long Do You Desire This Condition

TG: possibly forever

TA: that depend2 on how ratiional your feeliing2 are.

GA: Sollux Seems To Find Romantic Attraction To Be One Of The Least Rational Parts Of Life

TA: that2 because iit ii2.

GA: I Never Expressed Disagreement

TG: are you asking me to tell you how rational my emotions towards screechy are

TA: ii mean obviiou2ly there2 goiing two be a liittle iiratiionaliity iin any relatiion2hiip.

TA: but ii need two know that you dont ju2t thiink he2 hot.

TG: i mean i do think hes got that foxy librarian look going on

GA: Did You Always Think This

TG: no at first i thought he was a giant tool and i didnt really pay attention to him

TG: why

TA: people get more attractiive overtiime iif you liike theiir per2onaliity2 more, 2o the fact that he grew more attractiive two you ii2 good.

TG: i mean how attractive is karkat from a non-bias stand point

TA: he2 cute.

TA: nothiing partiiculariily 2peciial.

GA: What Else Do You Like About Him

TG: hes funny and smart and self-aware and passionate and maybe a bit too tolerant but his mom looks like al pachino so thats kinda cool

GA: And You Recognize That Hes A Person With Faults

TG: have you talked to karkat one conversation with him and hes already screamed most of his faults at you

TA: ok ii thiink dave ii2 fiine

TG: wait no now tell me what i look like from a non bias stand point

GA: Youre Very Attractive From A Conventional Stand Point

TA: but your eccentriicii2m make2 you le22 conventiional of a per2on.

GA: Its One Of The Things He Likes About You

TG: wait have you been talking to him

TG: i need to know

TG: for science

TA: iim goiing two iignore your que2tiion.

TG: fair

TG: why do you care so much about relationships and rationality

TA: liike ii 2aiid, romance ii2 one of the mo2t iiratiional thiing2 iin exii2tance.

TA: all romantiic relatiion2hiip2 are iiratiional but 2ome are more iiratiional than other2.

TA: the very iidea that one per2on ii2 2omehow 2peciial ii2 a liittle 2ketcy, but mos2ly harmle22. but 2ometiime2 people have thii2 iidea that there2 only one per2on that theyll work wiith or 2oulmate2 or that they need 2omeone el2e two 2urviive and that2 when the iiratiionaliity goe2 overboard.

TA: however, ii wiill 2ay that you cant make a relatiion2hiip completely ratiional. iive triied.

GA: Hes Right

GA: If You Attempt To Remove All Illogical Parts Of A Relationship You Will Probably Only Manage To Eliminate The Good Parts Of Irrationality While Leaving The Bad

GA: As We Are Inherently Irrational Beings

GA: Find A Middle Ground

TG: if its any consolation i dont see him as a god

TG: just as before mentioned foxy librarian

(just left)TA: iill leave you two fend wiith thii2 ii have two go riide a boat or 2omethiing.

GA: I Think I WIll Let You Figure This One Out For Yourself

            You sigh. At least you’ve burned a half hour. Your dog pushes you out the door like the wing women she is.     

            You knock at Karkat’s door. He opens it in a huff, holding out a bag at the end of tongs that you assume contains your underwear.

            “Vantas, I get that you don’t want to shove my underwear down your throat. But don’t you think this is some kind of overkill?” you ask.

            He hands you the bag. “Hey, I don’t know what humans do to themselves. Also are you going to come in, or what?”

            You grab the bag and toss it across the balcony and onto Dirk’s doorstep. You enter Karkat’s room. Sollux isn’t home and Karkat is still wearing those fucking shorts from yesterday.

            “Please tell me you at least got a little sleep last night.” he says.

            “Don’t worry, dude. I was out like a rock under a pile of logs that were also out.”

            “Fucking charming. I’m going to make some fucking tea and you’re going to going to like it.”

            He goes into the semi-enclosed kitchen. You gaze upon his laptop, mildly worried that you’re going to see some incredibly disturbing and kinky porn tap that he left open.

            No, wait, the only thing you see is way better than that.

            “Yo bromeo.” you say to him “Why were you on my Facebook?”

            Your senses pick up a flash of movement next to you as Karkat moves faster than you’ve ever seen him move before.

            “Don’t look at that!” he yells. You grab him by the waist as he closes his laptop.

            “Dave, no. put me down.” he demands.

            “You brought this on yourself, dude.” you say as you lower him to the ground. You reach for his laptop to annoy him.

            You’re surprised when he actually tackles you. He’s not very heavy so you don’t go down right way, but he manages to pin you on your back in a few seconds. He’s half laughing, half lecturing you about looking at his computer.

            He had the element of surprise on his side. But you have the elements of height and thirteen years of surprise attacks from both your father and your dog.

            So you roll both of you over until you’ve got him pinned with his arms at the sides of his head. He gives you a look of defeat. You can feel his breath on your face and you are suddenly very aware of the position you are in, how gorgeous and nice smelling he is right now.

            He looks at you and you look at him. You need to say something, anything, to diffuse the weirdness.

            “Although I have won this encounter, I will do you the honor of…“

            Your voice trails off as Karkat yanks his right hand away from your grip. You make a noise of confusion when he grabs the back of your neck and brings your mouth down to meet his.

            It’s just as soft as it was yesterday.

            His hand falls off your neck and you pull away, looking at him with a gaze that is probably less cool than you think it is.

            “I’m sorry.” he says.

            “Why?”

            He closes his eyes. “I should have asked.”

            “I’ll make it even, then.” you say, tilting up his chin and reattaching your mouths.

            His hand return to your hair. He’s kissing you softly, but not so soft that he doesn’t let you slip your tongue into his mouth.

            He tastes even nicer than he smells. You release his other hand to free his arm and are pleased when he runs his hand down your back.

            He breaks the kiss to take your shades off and place them beside you.

            “You’re smiling.” he observes.

            “So are you.” you say.

            “Oh, sorry that I’m expressing-“

            You lean down again. You kiss him a little rougher this time. You feel a cute little shudder run through him when you bite a bit at his bottom lip. You run your left leg between his run a hand down his waist. Karkat is laying a classy hand on your butt.

            Your breathing is ragged as he rolls you onto your back, away from your shades. Not that you’re complaining, now you too get the chance to grab choice ass. Those fucking shorts are going to be the death of you.

            His mouth is still moving slowly against yours as your kissing styles sink up. You’re learning a lot about his mouth. Mostly about how soft it is and how amazing it’s making you feel. He lets his lips fall to your neck, biting down until you let out a shaky sigh. His hands are underneath your shirt, feeling up your stomach and expressing a desire to remove the material. You return him to his back once again as removes your shirt over your head.

            His hands are running over every inch that he can touch and you know that there’s no way he can’t feel the massive erection that this situation has given you; you’re pressed up right against his leg.

            You pause for a second out of confusion as you feel wriggling against your stomach before remembering that Karkat is a troll and not just a grey human with kitty ears and horns and claws.

            “We’re on the ground.” he says, pupils blown.

            “You have a futon, right?” you ask.

            “Do you want me to-“

            “Yes. I mean, if you want to.” you say, your eagerness carefully hidden.

            You get off of him and watch as he pulls his couch into a bed. The moment he’s done, you pick him up princess style and bring him to the bed. He was already at the bed’ what are you even doing? You toss him carefully down and he complains the whole time. He weighs almost nothing. He’s too small for a troll. He looks like a cat with sex appeal. No, that’s gross. Stop trying to be poetic.

            You work his shirt off before you get back on top of him, fully enjoying the feeling of your bare skin making contact with his as his lips work against yours. You spend a solid two and a half minutes just thinking about how warm he is.

            His legs are at your sides and you finally, finally get to run your hands down them, something you’ve wanted to do for far too long. You disconnect your lips and kiss his neck. You run your mouth over a couple of spots until he makes a noise of approval. You fixate on that spot, trying not to leave too much of a mark as you knew he might not want to parade around his blood color or something stupid like that. You keep your hand on his thigh, running your hands up until you’ve reached the point where you should probably ask before going any further.

            “May I?” you ask.

            “As much as I appreciate you asking, you have about three seconds to touch me before I- _fuck_.” he says, cursing as you lay a hand over the fabric covering between his legs.

            “Before you fuck?”

            “Shut the fuck up.”

            You can feel both his bulge and nook against your hand.

            “What do you want me to focus on?” you ask.

            He moves the tips of your fingers down to the outline of his nook. You rub and you can feel how damp he’s getting. He must be soaking through his underwear.

            Speaking of underwear, yours is still suffocating your dick. You try not to think about it.

            You kiss down Karkat’s grub scars until your chin is resting above his pelvis.

            “Can I try something?” you ask. He raises an eyebrow.

            “Nobody’s ever…” he trails off as you get him out of his shorts and his moderately soaked underwear.

            You kiss up the inside of his thigh. “I don’t have to do this.”

            “I want you to. It’s just,”

            “What?”

            He sighs. “What if like, there’s something wrong with me?”

            “Like how unbelievably terrible you are at poker? Because that’s what’s wrong with you. Your nook looks fine.”

            You place another kiss at his thighs. He moans and closes his legs, two opposing actions.

            “Bro.” you say.

            “Sorry. Instinct bullshit.”

            You give up trying to tease his thighs and just slip your tongue into his nook. He lets out a ragged breath, threading his hands through his hair.

            You never did get used to the lack of body hair with trolls. It’s instinctually off-putting.  He tastes different than a human, but not different enough for you to really care. Besides, Karkat is one of the most familiar things to you at this point.

            You lap at his nook until he mutters your name, and you’re suddenly aware of how tight your pants are. Your dick is rubbing uncomfortably against the inner fabric, but you really don’t want to focus on that right now. You want to focus on Karkat and his shaky moans and shallow breaths and quivering thighs.

            You slip in a finger along with your tongue, curling it and rubbing against any nerve clusters you can’t reach with your tongue. He’s swearing even more than he usually does now. You spend some time just listening to him, every little sigh and breath and occasional squeaked. His right hand is trailing through your hair, and his left is feeling up your arm. You slide in another finger.

            He calls you an asshole and tightens his legs around your head. You respond by increasing in speed.

            Your mouth is getting tired, but you love how much he loves it. He’s squirming now, letting every breath come out hot and has reached the point of shamelessly humping your face. You find yourself humming against his nook in approval. You like getting off to him getting off.

            Your dick is still rubbing up against your pants in a way that is mildly torturous, but still gives you enough contact to make you worry about coming in your pants. But you’ve given oral a million times and haven’t actually orgasmed from it since you were 16. You should be fine.

            Your fingers are doing most of the work at this point. He’s muttering somewhat nonsensically, telling you how good it feels and stuttering about how he’s about to finish.

            You feel his back arch up and his hands are rough against your hair and he fucking comes right in your face. He’s moaning out your name, louder this time. You are not going to come in your pants. Don’t do it. Your knees are shaking. There’s a feeling of pleasure coursing through you. No Dave, no.

            You try to contain any and all sounds threatening to escape your lips as you come in your pants.

            Fuck.

            Karkat’s legs fall off of your back. You wipe off your mouth. The back of your hand is red. But not that red.

            “There’s no material.” You observe.

            “Of course not. Dave, science and capitalism exist. There’s a pill for that.” he answers. Why did you ask? You knew about that. You’re hazy from a concealed orgasm.

            “I never understand why you guys used those pills. Eight shamwows stacked on top of each there would have had the same affect.”

            He laughs and then immediately looks embarrassed.

            “What is it?” you ask.

            “I don’t usually orgasm in people’s faces, like, right of the fucking bat. This was new.”

            “Is that a bad thing?”

            He wipes off your face with his hand. “No. Now will you shut up and get naked so I don’t have to be the only one?”

            Oh god, how are you going to pull this off? Literally. Hahaha, because you pull clothes off. Dave, shut up and find a way to get out of your jizz-stained clothes and stall five minutes until you can get another erection.

            “Hang on.” you say. “I’m gonna use your bathroom.” You roll off the bed strategically.

            “Dave, I know you came in your pants.”

            You freeze. Fuck.

            “That’s just what the cool kid-“

            He laughs and yanks you back on to his bed. You end up once again, on top of him. He kisses you.

            “It was cute.” he says.

            “First of all, no. Second of all, not to question your acute observational skills, but how did you know?”

            “You’re pretty easy to read. It also didn’t hurt that I have eyes and can see the front of your pants.” He says, gazing at your crotch to illustrate his words.

            “Oh shucks, foiled again by people having eyes. It happens a lot.”

            “So are you going to take your fucking pants off, or what?” he asks.

            You reach for your belt.

            He grabs your hand. “I mean, only if you want to.”

            You grin. “Well I did but now I’m-”

            “Dave take your goddamn pants off.”

            You roll onto your back, working your way out of your convers and pants.

            “I’m glad you’re not wearing a thong.” Karkat mentions, burning a hole through your pelvis.

            “Maybe next time, if you’re lucky, you can see this ass in a neon pink and green G-string.” you say, waggling your eyebrows. He smacks you with a pillow and you pull yourself back on top of him.

            “Is there going to be a next time?” he asks.

            “I mean, I’m not even sure this time has ended.” you say, suavely.

            “I don’t think that was a suave as you thought it was.” he answers, bringing your mouth down to his anyway.

            Your lips feel a little different at this point, there’s almost a tingling sensation in them. You’re thankful that you managed not to get cut on his teeth.

            He bites down on your lip and you are immediately cut on his teeth. Whatever, you don’t care at this point.

            Kissing him is starting to come more naturally to you. You’re learning about how he used his tongue, and his teeth, and how he moans into your mouth whenever you suck at his bottom lip. You let your once-again hard-on rest against his thigh.

            He pushes you up so that you’re both sitting and looks uncertainly at your underwear. You have a thought.

            “Have you ever, uh, with a human?” you ask. Unlike your previous un-suave comment, you are fully aware of how un-suave this one was.

            He shakes his head no.

            “Would you like to?”

            He shudders, giving you a look that looks like a combination of mild disgust and moderate horniness.

            “I would like that.” he says.

            You grab your pants from the floor, pulling out the condom you had stored away for some reason.

            You pull of your underwear and slide it on while he looks away, as you’re not sure how prepared he is for the actual visual aspect of human anatomy.

            You lay him down on his back, positioning yourself on top of him. You place a pillow behind his head, and bring up the blankets over you both. You’re torn between making him feel safe and happy or just pounding into him until he screams.

            “Dave how fucking vanilla do you think I am?” he says. You remove the blankets. Middle ground, Dave.

            You position yourself so that the tip of your dick is right over his nook, before sliding a few inches into him so that he can get used to the feeling. You repeat this movement a few times, until he’s bringing up his hips just a bit to meet yours.

            “Are you _fuck_ feeling ok?” you ask, worrying that you might hurt him just because of how small of a person he is.

            He nods and hooks his legs around your back, grasping the back of your neck and kissing you. You take this as an invitation to add a little more force to what you’re doing. He mutters some swear words into your mouth.

            His nook is so warm. Your breathing is getting ragged. You take a moment to appreciate just how pretty his eyes are before going back to appreciating his nook.

            “Damn it, you’re tight.” you say “In multiple ways.”

            He looks so pretty. Every little noise he makes when you slide inside of him is either unbelievably adorable or incredibly sexy.

            “Do you think about this?” he asks.

            “I’ve played with the idea of it for about a week.” you answer “And by ‘played with’ I mean heavily contemplated.”

            He rolls you over so that you’re both on your sides. He’s doing about half the work now, and you decide now would not be the best time to accuse him of communism. You go back to thinking about his legs instead.

            “Seriously, though, Karkat. What was the deal with those shorts?”

            “You noticed?” he says, assumed.

            You cup your hand against his ass and he squeaks.

            “They may have driven me a little crazy. Well, no, your personality drove me crazy first. Those shorts were just the icing on your ass. I mean, the cake.” You say, strengthening Sigmund Freud’s ghost.

            He calls you an idiot.

            A few minutes go by of you just enjoying the feeling of him, his skin hot against yours. He has a look of bliss on his face. You can feel him getting progressively more drenched, probably staining your dick red but who the fuck cares.

            You can feel yourself nearing the edge, and have a desire to pick up the pace. He didn’t seem to mind when you did last time, so you return him to his back and he face plants into your shoulder.

            You speed up, adding force and listen to his stuttering about how he’s about to come again. You pound into him, mildly embarrassed about how loud you’re letting yourself get. Not that you’ve reached the point of screaming, but any abundance of noise for you is loud.

            You bring a bit of your weight off of him so that he can arch his back again. He’s still swearing and moaning and muttering about how long he wanted you and you’re not sure how much more you can take.

            You find yourself repeating his name over and over, saying things that you can’t even comprehend as you lose it, letting your face fall into his shoulder. You give a few more shaky thrusts, pulling up when you feel him come. You want to get a good look at his face. You’re not disappointed.

            There are a few moments of silence while you both catch your breath. You feel something drag across your stomach before realizing that it’s his bulge returning to its sheath.

            “Did we just have sex?” you ask, suddenly in disbelief.

            “Yeah. You fell over accidently and somehow your dick ended up inside me.”

            “I guess I was just expecting a feelings jam session before I actually got some ass.”

            He laughs. “The only things I’m feeling right now are euphoria, positive contact, and a giant fucking pain up my nook.”

            “Oh, sorry.” you say, sliding out of him. No, the air around your dick is now so cold. So, so cold.

            “I mean, since you suggested it, would you like to now discuss your feelings? Or you could just continue being an un-suave dumbass.”

            You lie down on your back next to him. “Why do one, when I can do both?” You waggle your eyebrows again. He hits you with yet another pillow.

            “Sorry. Have I mentioned that I really like you? Like, a lot. Intellect plus good sense of humor plus salt equals my approval of you.” you say. You’re pleased when he curls up onto your chest. You kiss the tips of his horns.

            “Ow.” he says.

            “Are you alright?” you ask, knowing full well that you’ll never be able to forgive yourself if your sex hurt him.

            “I’m fine. My hips hurt.”

            You wrap your arms around him. “Fine, then, I guess I’ll just have to protect you from the pain.”

            He mutters something about you not having to be his knight.

            “You know, you never did tell me what you were doing on my facebook.”

            There’s a pause. You assume he was just really far into you pictures or something. But the answer he gives is even better.

            “I mean, if you’re going to be an ass and invade the privacy of me invading your privacy, fine. I may have been reading your webcomic.”

            You can’t help but smile. You open your mouth.

            He stares you down. “Shut up.” he says before you say anything.

            You bring one arm under his knees and the other on his back, helping him curl up into more of a ball that he already was.

            “So pure.” you say into his hair.

            “What?”

            “Pure. Free from sin.”

            “Dave, having you fucking met me? I am not free from sin!”

            “Too good for this world. Too pure.” He’s basically Jesus II.

            “Anyone who reads your stupid comic is automatically as fucking far away from pure as any bulge-sucker could fathom it to be.”

            You run a hand down his back. “So small.”

            “Dave I’ve been sinning for the last taint-chaffing forty minutes straight.” He looks like an angry kitty.

            “Can I call you kitten?” you ask.

            “No.”

            “Please?”

            “No.”

            “Just in private?”

            “Fine.”

            You slide off the condom, leaving to go toss it into the garbage can in the kitchen. You return to see Karkat staring at your dick. He’s one to talk; without a bulge sticking out or any hair he looks like a Ken doll.

            “What?” you ask.

            “I’m pretty sure that thing was bigger ten minutes ago.”

            “Nah, bro. I just stapled it to a frozen cucumber I found in your fridge.”

            Karkat gives you a look and pulls you back into bed. He pokes you straight in the balls.

            “Ow. Look with those pretty eyes, not with your hands.” You cup your hands over our crotch. You make a note to have Kanaya give him a human anatomy lesson. God knows why he didn’t just use the internet. Actually, no, having Kanaya do that to Karkat would be much too painful to watch. Never mind.

            “Why do human men have nipples?” he asks.

            “Because they shoot whipped cream when we need to intimidate someone.”

            “I’m just going to ignore your worse than sand-up-the-ass terrible sense of humor and check what time it is.”

            “What time is it, Kitten?”

            “It’s eleven.” he says at the same time as you start playing _Peanut Butter Jelly Time_ from your phone.

            “Dave, you are the most-“

            You cut him off with another kiss. Then you pull away and tell him to continue because you feel bad for shutting him up. He rants for a while about how incredibly backdated you are in-between kissing you.

            He curls up once again on your chest, and you run a hand through his hair. He seems sleepy.

            “Do you want me to stay with you?” you ask.

            He wraps his arms tighter against you. You take that as a yes. You text John telling him you won’t be home tonight. Sollux tells you that he’s spending the night elsewhere.

            He wants you to stay. You’re glad. Granted, this isn’t your first time sleeping in the same bed with him, but there’s something about the lack of clothes that makes you feel so much closer to him.

            You plant a kiss on his forehead before enjoying a night of sleep that you’re actually looking forward to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm planning on ending an epilogue, and maybe Dave's list of words. Probably another chapter with no story and just shitposts.


	9. not a chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I was going to write an epilogue but instead take this thing my friend wrote for me.

You realize that in the two years you spent getting hornier and hornier and even more horny, Karkat’s bulge had gotten way bigger. Karkat’s moon-like eyes stare, but they do not look at you, they look through you. His eyes gaze deep into your throbbing heart, and moreover, your throbbing boner. Suddenly, your pants begin to tear as you feel your penis cast the shackles of clothing aside.

“YES! I HAVE BECOME TRANSCENDANT!” you scream. Your penis continues to grow larger and larger, like a tree sapling in time-lapse, until it finally alights upon Karkat’s button nose.

“Oh Dave, what impressive testicles you have,” he says, eying the length of your meat-stick.

“All the better to hump you with, my dear,” you reply. Karkat stands before you, his breath quickening with the heat of lust. Slowly, seductively, his hips begin to gyrate as he slides his jeans down his legs, revealing a neon green and pink thong cradling his nook. As his trousers hit the floor, you realize you’re drooling. Karkat twirls before you, fully displaying all the things you never realized you so craved. Your dick continues to get bigger, extending until it is mere inches from the ceiling. Karkat’s lithe form has now been obstructed by the veiny, pulsating mass of your purple-headed love rocket. You feel something daintily touch your crotch-mushron’s backside, first just caressing, but then lightly pushing it to the side. Karkat’s face emerges from behind your massive throbbing tallywhacker as he licks his lips and gives you a look that says, “Yeah, I stuck my bulge in a Cheerio once. What of it?” You see one of his hands behind his head. He seems to be holding something rectangular, but you can’t quite make out what it is. Karkat locks eyes with you as his tongue flicks out of his mouth, sliding up and down the side of your humongous dongledorf. Somehow, everything is instantly clear, as if you’re really seeing the world for the very first time. You look from Karkat’s tongue to his hand. In it is a brand new copy of “Shrek the Third”. Karkat closes his eyes and continues to lick, letting out a low moan:  
“Oh god Dave… I want your Shrek inside me.”

“HUGS PLZ  \\(o-o)/”you respond. Karkat begins to climb your willie wienerschnitzel, inching his way up by hugging it with all four appendages and humping. After hours of having to endure this constant stimulation, your skinny sex stick has broken through the ceiling, with Karkat finally atop it. Karkat gingerly pulls aside his thong, revealing a nook dripping with fuck juice. He slowly lowers himself onto the tip of your now-gigantic ponos. You feel yourself begin to slip inside of him, the warmth and tightness both painful and one of the best feelings ever.   
“OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM BAAAYYYBEEEEE!!!!!!!” Karkat screams.

“Zomg I’m like so totes embarrassed like this has like never happened before,” you say as you spew semen into the stars. You hear Karkat’s voice echo from the distance:

“GUESS WE’RE BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…”


End file.
